My Journey to Health

what's this blog thing again??

2011-02-08T12:30:00.000-08:00

I have two windows open right now, one where I'm writing my blog entry and another that shows my latest updates so I know where I last left off. It's been almost five months!

I think I've gotten bored with blogging here. I tend to do it during breaks at work, but maybe I'm more interested in Facebook as my breaks instead, hahaha. But actually, I don't think it's just that. I also think that I'm weaning myself off of my lap band blog because, well... it's just my life now. I have developed a new normal, and I can barely imagine my life any other way now.

But that doesn't mean there isn't anything worth posting. I should check in here every now and then.

The last time I posted I said that I think I'm scared of getting too tight. Yeah, I think I was onto something there... and with good reason, too! So, I got a fill right before I last posted, but I had a very unpleasant experience almost two weeks later. I got really tight at my friend Raven's wedding, so I could barely eat anything. But that wasn't that big of a deal. I was so tight that I had really bad reflux at night! It was awful.

I've never had reflux before and never understood how it was different than heartburn (I understand now). I was so tight that I was sliming for hours one night, sitting upright on the couch trying to support my body with pillows so I could sleep sitting up. But that was only after I slimed into a cup for over four hours. UGH. Then when I tried to lay down after the sliming was over, I'd wake up choking and gagging on the corrosive nastiness that would come up through my band and into my throat. Oh, and we had some friends/other wedding guests staying with us, too, so I was self conscious on top of it all.

I knew all I had to do was be patient and the natural cycle of tightness would ease off eventually. And sure enough, it did. I know now that when I get pretty tight, I can't eat anything for four hours before I lay down. It sucks, but I'll make it work. It beats all the alternatives.

Beau and I are still seeing the personal trainer, which is good. I've still been maintaining my weight, but I know I've been turning fat into muscle because I'm a lot stronger than I was before. But it's frustrating to not see the number on the scale go down, too. However, it seems like it might be going down now, and I sure hope so. Gotta keep on keeping on.

Right before NYE, I decided that I actually need to sign up for a 5k if I want to stay motivated to do the Couch to 5k running program. I just wasn't doing enough running, so I signed up for a 5k in March. I figured that would give me a little over two months to prepare. I doubt I'll run the whole thing, but I'm still going to go and run as much as I can. I'll alternate running and walking throughout. Even Beau is going to do it with me! Oh! And a friend (who unintentionally inspired me to start c25k to begin with) is going to join me as well. She lives a couple hours away, so I'm glad to see her and to have her cheer me on. (And probably push me a little, too.)

And lastly... I've decided I want to (eventually) get a tummy tuck. I don't know when, but I've made this a goal. Ideally, I'll lose more fat first, but I finally decided that as long as I keep on exercising and doing The Right Thing and don't gain weight, I'll have the surgery whether or not I lose more actual pounds. But I have to prove my dedication to myself first. Of course, if I happen to also lose more overall pounds, that's even better! (And a better sign of dedication.) But I'll need to save up some money, too. I know it won't happen this year, and as much as I'd like to think it could happen next year, I sincerely doubt it. I can't imagine I'll have enough money saved by then. I don't have to save it all up front (as long as I can get a loan), but I want a significant chunk.

Anyway, I'm excited at the prospect! Because my ultimate goal is to be able to shop in regular sizes again. At my unhelpful six foot frame, this is going to be really tough. But darnit, I'm going to try.

I hope all is well with everyone!

fill, running, personal trainer (hurray fill!)

2010-09-14T20:38:00.000-07:00

I am so behind on reading other blogs, it's not even funny. Nola! Thank you for commenting on my previous post. I know I have four of your blog posts to read and I'm really looking forward to them. You always have a way to crack me up. In a way, I'm kind of bummed the possum is with you no more because I loved laughing reading about your possum adventures. =)

I got another 0.25 cc put in my band yesterday and I can already tell a difference, so this is good. I really needed it. Heck, I needed it many months ago, but whatever. Umm, better late than never, right??

I've suspected for quite some time now (read: months) that I've been afraid to get pretty tight. That I've been relatively loose long enough that I forgot how good it was to be properly tight. I've warped my idea of what is a sensible amount of food (for a bandster). I've fallen into that trap of thinking, oh I should just be able to limit my intake on my own. When, let's face it, if that were true, I never would have had surgery.

I started thinking about specific memories I have of eating a particular meal and the quantity I ate during those meals. I realized I eat "so much" more than that now! And then I finally admitted that the fears I've been feeling are the same ones I felt right before I had the surgery. I was brave enough to have surgery, so why can't I be brave enough to get a fill for crying out loud?

Well, I finally did. I sure hope I don't mess this up by drinking too many calories or similar. I'm feeling rejuvenated right now, so hopefully that's a good sign. =)

In exercise news, guess what? I'm going to splurge and pay for a personal trainer. I'm excited! I've always enjoyed working out with a personal trainer because it forces me to actually go to the gym, and the trainer works me harder than I'll work myself. I worked really hard this past year at work and all my efforts paid off because I got ranked in the top 10% and that means bonus is going to be half again as big as it would have been otherwise. WOW. I mean, I knew if I could get in the top 10% it would be "much bigger," but I always guessed bigger meant another 15% or maaaaaybe 20% if I were really lucky, but naaaaah, that's just crazy talk! But wowzers, another 50%, really?? I've already bought myself some clothes, but the main thing I want to spend the money on is personal trainer sessions. I've already decided who I want to do it with (not at my regular gym, oddly enough), so now I just need to call the place and set up an initial appointment. I think I will do that tomorrow.

And now, I need to get off the computer so I can go run tonight. I can sense myself procrastinating... =)

Life gets in the way of your plans

2010-08-27T13:19:00.001-07:00

Wow, I've never gone this long without posting here before. Let me 'splain. No, there is too much, let me sum up:

Slight unfill. I got an unfill before our European vacation so I wouldn't have to tell my in-laws about my band in case something got stuck while on vacation. This was a very smart move. I actually lost weight at first on the trip because I wasn't eating all that much yet and I was walking a lot. This changed about half way through when we walked less and I ate more. =P Still only managed to gain a few pounds over a few weeks.
Fill 'er up. After we returned, I was filled back up again, but a little at a time to make sure my body could handle it. It took two trips to get back to my pre-vacation fill levels, but even soon after that, I was still kind of loose (like I was before vacation), so I got another fill last week.
Need more. I'm definitely still too loose, so I need to go back for another fill. That reminds me, I need to call his office.
Sweets. Oh boy, but do I need to break this sweets addiction. It's making me eat just a few more calories each day that I'm not happy about (after I'm done eating, that is, because the eating has a certain amount of short-term satisfaction, of course).
Weight gain. This should come as no surprise, but I've been very slowly gaining weight. Surprisingly enough, I've gained most of it after my vacation. Like I've had a hard time adjusting to life here again. Since before vacation, I'm up 6 pounds, but I wish I were the same or down, of course.
Work. Work has kicked me squarely in the ass the entire calendar year, but luckily, my always-moving project deadline (which is a mixed blessing, trust me) was finally over in late July. Now I'm working on a related, smaller, but still somewhat stressful project that is supposed to end next week sometime... assuming the deadline doesn't slip some more. But regardless of how much that deadline slips, I'm not doing much more for it, so the bulk of my stress is past. Now, I'm not saying work is a legitimate excuse for the weight gain (it's not), but it can be a partial explanation. But since my big deadline has been past, I have worked on a lot of projects at home (framing stuff, putting frames (large and small) on walls, tidying up, organizing, etc.) and that makes me happy. With some order at home, maybe I'll be able to focus more on my healthy eating habits.
Running. If you know me at all, the fact that this is even a bullet point is HIGH comedy. I only run when chased. I hate it with a fiery passion of a thousand suns. And yet... I started doing it four weeks ago. I know several other people who have done the Couch to 5k running program and they aren't "runners," either, so I (somehow) got motivated to at least check it out. Beau is even doing it with me! We're going kind of slow and repeating weeks, but that's okay. My goal is to keep up with it and not give up, even if that means I have to repeat a week indefinitely. I feel good knowing I'm doing this, to be honest. More in a bragging rights sort of way, but hey, whatever works, eh? ;)
Sister. My sister is kicking ass and taking names. She's only 45 pounds heavier than me now and she started off about 140 more than me to begin with. She says her weight loss has slowed down a little, but it's still going and going. Unlike mine... But I'm so proud of her and excited for her! I'm also hoping this might help motivate me to kick myself into gear. (Hey, at least I'm running!)
Children. To make a long story very very short, Beau and I are actually trying to have kids. No, I'm not pregnant yet. And yes, I'm sure. (If only that were the reason for the weight gain!) To make another story rather short, I'm scared shitless, but I swear in all the typical ways plus some of my own batshit crazy, selfish ways as well. Emphasis on selfish. But the point of me mentioning this here is that this possibility introduces so many unknowns in our immediate future that I just can't plan around it. And for someone who likes to have an overall framework of a plan (I don't need specifics, just a general idea), this is really tough.

I'm sure there's more to write, but that's enough for now. Maybe I'll go into more details on some of these topics in another post. Or maybe I'll just take up where I left off now that you're mostly caught up. =)

suspicions confirmed!

2010-05-03T11:18:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling fairly loose for a few weeks now, like I needed a small fill. But I didn't want to do anything about it until I felt another one of my naturally very tight periods. The only problem with that is that they aren't predictable!

Yesterday, I started to suspect I was beginning to get tight again. Today confirms that. Yup, I'm pretty tight. I can drink liquids, but I sure don't feel like drinking much. I take some of my green smoothie and I feel full. Or maybe it's not fullness I'm feeling so much, but rather tightness.

Isn't that the same thing you wonder? Well, most of the time it is, but I'm not convinced it's the same thing all of the time. And that's the purpose of this post.

I woke up this morning with hunger pangs. Like, legit hunger feelings. Not head hunger, but a feeling I haven't felt in awhile of valid hunger. But I remembered beginning to get tighter yesterday, so I was a little peeved by that if I were truly hungry.

So sure enough, I start off with some yogurt today and it's slow going, but that's good. And then I make my morning green smoothie and I can barely drink any. Yup, sure enough, I'm going through a very tight period right now.

This is a good thing. I could stand to lose a pound or two as long as I can not do stupid stuff like eat lots of ice cream and end up maintaining my weight. =P

But what's really annoying me is that I also feel legit hunger! Well, I don't feel as much hunger now as I did when I first woke up because I've had some food, but even though I'm kind of tight from some green smoothie (and now I've had one spoonful of my bean salad, which is basically a mushie), I don't feel satisfied. Isn't that part of how the band works? That you feel satisfied after eating a small amount of food? My doctor keeps on mentioning that. But what I have felt over and over again every time I get this naturally tight, I rarely ever feel satisfaction.

Part of is head hunger, I know that for sure, but part of it is something going on inside my body. I just don't know what. And if you know me at all, I get pretty discombobulated when I don't understand what's going on with me. ;) But even if I don't understand what my body is doing, at least I know this is a consistent pattern with me. If I'm luck, I'll be able to use this knowledge to more easily fight the head hunger. That maybe I can just mentally and emotionally tough it out during this tight period because I know that in a few days I'll be fairly loose again and instead I'll have to battle to keep the food out of my mouth if I want to lose instead of maintaining.

Does that make sense? I don't know. I'm too lazy (and busy at work, ha) to go back and proofread right now. ;)

work, life, and... stuff

2010-04-25T21:47:00.000-07:00

I didn't realize it had been about 4 weeks since my last post. I guess life got a little hectic recently! Work is pretty busy and there's too much for me to do. So instead of doing it all, I cut out the lower priority stuff. Works well for me, but I have some nagging residual guilty feelings about not being able to do it all. But the fact of the matter is, my product has become too big for me to be the sole person responsible for the stuff I do. I still kick ass, but a little less ass than before. ;)

ANYway.

Things are about the same with me, band-wise. I'm still plateuing, so no big change there. I can eat more than I'd like to be able to eat, but the last time I got to my naturally tighter spot, I was really tight, which I didn't like. So I'm afraid to get back there again by getting another fill. But I don't get those natural tight periods on any sort of regular interval, so I have no idea when to expect the next one.

In other news, well, Beau and I have some potentially big news. A few weeks ago Beau decided he has changed his mind on having kids. That is to say that he is now willing to have a kid. (!!!) This has basically consumed my thoughts when not thinking about work. I'll spare you the details of my thought processes, fears, anxiety, and indecision. The short story is that we're going to try for a kid, but I'm scared as all heck for so many different reasons.

So who knows, maybe this blog will turn into a pregnant bandster's blog. Or about a bandster trying to get pregnant and the complications involved with that. (Are there any complications with trying to get pregnant while banded?) We probably won't try to get pregnant until we return from our European vacation in mid June. Let's face it, I don't want to puke my way around Europe, ya know? (You can't blame me, hee!)

It's my birthday tomorrow, so I guess I have to go update my profile here to say I'm a 39 year old! Egad, how did I ever get this old??

non-weight milestone!

2010-03-29T20:27:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, I ended up riding my bike 22 miles in and around San Francisco. My friend Beth and I rode to the north end of the Golden Gate Bridge and back. I even took my bike on Caltrain, which is a lot of fun! (Okay, I do that for work most days, but it's still cool to take it all the way to SF and then ride around SF.)

We enjoyed ourselves at the glorious Ferry Building Farmers Market. Omigod, I'm in love with that place. Don't get me wrong, I also love the farmers market in my Silicon Valley town, but the one at the Ferry Building is kind of like porn for me. I like to walk around, people watch, and check out all the wonderful items you could buy. I like to pretend I'm wealthy and could shop there all the time. Sigh.

Anyway, that's not what I meant to write about today!

Beth and I made our way up from sea level to the GG Bridge inside the Presidio, which is the usual course for bikers. I've done this before, but the last time I did it I weight 90 pounds more than I do now. I remember very clearly that I could not ride my bike up the very steep, but short, hill. Not even in the lowest gear. I was with my friend Lilah who had previously lost a LOT of weight and was in the best shape I had ever known her (she was training for a bike event). She was very patient with me and encouraging, even as I had to walk my bike up the hill.

Well, this time, I fully expected to not be able to bike up that hill. But like always, I'll start off biking and stop whenever I can't peddle anymore and then walk the bike. But I never had to do that! I was able to peddle up! I was in the lowest gear of course, but I don't care. I did it. I stopped at the stop sign at the intersection so I waited a little to catch my breath, but dammit, I did it.

In other (not so positive) news, I am officially addicted to ice cream and similar products. I think I may need to ban the stuff for awhile to break my addiction. It's getting out of hand and I am admitting I have a problem. I haven't committed myself to doing something about it yet, but hopefully that'll be the next step. Sigh. Did I ever mention that both of my parents are sober alcoholics? My Mom just had her 36th AA birthday a few weeks ago, and my Dad has been sober for just over 28 years. I'm very proud of them for their sobriety! Anyway, I say that to say this... all of us kids did a great job of not becoming alcoholics. My brother and I don't drink at all, and my sister almost never drinks. But... all three of us are addicted to food instead. Fun! (Tongue firmly implanted in my cheek.) Also, I'm currently addicted to sugars as well. Not a good combination, eh?

Anyway, I'm still proud of the biking milestone!

dresses!

2010-03-26T23:47:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I posted about trying on some dresses at Macy's. I didn't really like how I looked in those dresses and I felt conspicuous, but I wasn't sure how much of that feeling was my weird mood/funk at the time, how much was my unfamiliarity with dresses, and how much was the fact that the dresses themselves weren't quite perfect.

I forgot to post here that I ordered a bunch of dresses from Nordstrom.com thinking I could try them on at home and return to the store in person the ones I don't like or don't fit.

I was pleasantly surprised to find a bunch of dresses I liked and wanted to order! This is a good problem to have, really. To be honest, I mostly expected them to not really look all that great on me, and I was legitimately worried that I was ordering dresses that were too small.

Oh, and I also ordered a dress from Lands' End that I figured would work really well, but that it would be more casual. That is, I could wear it to a wedding, but not necessarily when I'm the wife of the Best Mate.

Anyway.

So, the dresses arrive, and........ I think I like them all. Ha!

The first dress is the one I specifically bought for the wedding in September. The brides' colors are a sage green, light blue, and my word I'm blanking on the third color. But it's the green I picked up on and thought this one could could go nicely with Beau's tux, tie, and cumberbund.

I wish the sleeves didn't have the elastic and weren't capped so short (I've got some batwing action going on), but it's do-able, but just barely. I love the skirt portion of the dress in particular. I think I want a second opinion from a girl who seems it on me in person, but I think I might keep this one for the wedding.

This one just arrived today, so Beau hasn't seen it yet (he's out of town for the weekend). I love this one, and it's a little more versatile. I also like that the length is a smidge longer on this one than the other dresses I ordered. It goes just below my kneecap whereas the others go just above. At least with this one, it doesn't look like it's too short on the 6 foot woman that I am.

Beau really loved this one. I really want to love it, too, but the more I think about it, the more I realize I have to send it back. (Too bad, too, since it was on sale and a good price!) I absolutely love the floral pattern and the blue and black colors. But the whole dress is just a little too tight on me. It's a pencil skirt and I'd have to lose at least 10 pounds to make it fit a little better. Even with the Spanx it's just not quite flattering. Actually, if the skirt had just the slightest A-line to it, it might be perfect. But I might still ask someone else's opinion with the dress on me before I return it, we'll see.

I just ordered this one day before yesterday, so it's not here yet. If we go to the San Francisco Symphony Black and White Ball this year, this could be the dress. Better yet, with tax and shipping, it was only $77! Heck, I might keep it anyway even if we don't go to the B&W Ball. =) And if I decide I'm too self-conscious about the green dress above, this could be worn to the wedding, too. We'll see how it goes.

This is the dress from Lands End. I tried it on first because I was excited thinking this would be the best of the set. I was really bummed at first because I thought the dress was 2-3 inches too short. The more I think about it, I think the length is fine. Sure, I wish it were 2-3 inches longer, but I think it'll be okay. If you look at the picture of the model wearing it on the website, the length goes to about mid kneecap. Mine goes just above the knee, but eh, I think it's okay. Besides, I got it for 25% off with free shipping, so it's almost not worth it to return it. =)

These are good problems to have, "luxury problems" as my parents and some of their friends say. I still feel a little bit conspicuous in the dresses, but not as much as before. It's also definitely mixed in with excitement as well.

be careful what you ask for

2010-03-17T13:55:00.000-07:00

... because you just might get it.

The temporary tightness has definitely worn off. I can basically pinpoint the hour in which it happened, too. Last night, just as I went to the work billiards and dinner shindig with a bunch of our customers who are in town.

This is good news and bad news. And good/bad news. =)

Good: Now I know for sure that the tightness was my usual fluctuating tightness and there's nothing to worry about.
Bad: Now I can eat a lot more and I have to rely on my self control a little bit.
Good/Bad: It happened just in time for our weekend getaway to Yosemite this weekend. Heh.

In other news, not related to the band, but definitely related to my food issues... I totally lapsed into eating a fair amount of wheat at the dinner event last night. The only food there that didn't have wheat in it was the green salad... which was mostly iceberg lettuce. Let me tell you, those little slices of bread with pesto, feta, and salami on them were reeeeeally yummy. The pasta wasn't bad, either, but I tried to eat more of the chicken and less of the pasta.

The customers are still in the office today for training so they were fed lunch. I'm participating in this whole event (although I'm not part of the actual training), so I was able to partake in some of the free lunch. Unfortunately, I ate some of the tortellini and the orzo salad. But again, OMGNOMNOMNOM.

Sigh.

I think I'm more upset at myself for what I know I'll end up feeling (symptoms-wise) after eating gluten than I am about the alleged Catholic guilt. My main concern is, can I keep up the wheat-free eating for the rest of Lent? How about the rest of my life after Lent? What in the world am I going to do this weekend when we're at Yosemite and eating at The Ahwahnee??

Sigh.

Also, I ate too much at lunch today. Dagumit.

band "holiday" decision

2010-03-15T13:25:00.001-07:00

I was talking with my Mom and Dad recently about our upcoming European holiday. In the process of the conversation, I said that I'll get an unfill before we go, but I wasn't sure if it would be a complete or partial unfill. I realized as I said that to them, I had made my final decision: I'm definitely getting some sort of unfill, and I'm mostly likely going to get a lot out, even if it's not the whole amount of liquid. I hadn't made that final decision before, but as I was saying it out loud, I could tell that's what I wanted and was happy with that decision.

But more importantly than that, I realized as I was saying this that I was confident I was saying it for the "right" reasons and not for the "oooh, I can eat whatever I want on vacation mwahahahaha" reasons. And I was proud of myself for that. My Mom even questioned me on this, but I was really confident in my own honesty.

For the first time in my life, instead of looking forward to a vacation and thinking about all the yummy food I can eat, I was thinking about eating healthy. I was worried about not being able to have my morning green smoothie with fruits and vegetables and protein in it. I was worried that if I went on vacation for 2+ weeks that I wouldn't get enough protein, fiber, and fruits and veggies at my current restricted state. (Shit, and definitely not at the state I'm in currently!) Of course I don't want to have to deal with talking about my band and food issues related to it with my mother in law, but more importantly than that, I was worried about proper nutrition.

As for the "all the yummy food" in Europe, well... there's nothing in particular I'm screaming for. As it turns out, we'll be in Paris for 1 night and 2 days. Sure, I'd love to eat my daily sugar and lemon crepe ration (heehee), but you know what? I can get crepes here. Sure, they're not on every street corner, but that's okay. For the first time in my life, I didn't have a "food panic attack" moment, and for that, I am very grateful.

I'd be lying if I said I won't enjoy food on my vacation with the unfill. I know I'll eat my crepes, and I'll eat my croissant breakfast food items from the food stands at the London train stations (you see how I can eat too much wheat??) and I'll enjoy the heck out of them. But that's not my focus on this trip. Hurray me! (Oh, and let's be honest, German food isn't making me go crazy with excitement, so there's no big draw there.)

really tight

2010-03-15T13:13:00.000-07:00

The good news is that my mood began to recover on Friday of last week. While at work during the day, I could feel it begin to lift. I had a good weekend (with some good niece and nephew time among other joys), so that was nice as well.

Like I mentioned in a previous post, I gave up wheat for Lent. I'm allergic to it so I shouldn't eat it anyway, but I do, so I was using Lent as a motivation for being good about not eating it. In general, I've been pretty good, but I had a few intentional (but very small, content-wise) bites of wheat over the weekend.

One of the things I was really looking forward to with not having the wheat in my diet was for my heartburn to go away... but it hasn't! Not completely, anyway. The severity has reduced, that's for sure, but I still need Pepcid to keep it in check. There are a couple possibilities for this:

I'm still getting gluten in my diet through other means (like the occassional oatmeal or as a thickener in some foods) and that's keeping the heartburn around. (It's the gluten in wheat I'm allergic to.) Even though the amount of gluten I must be ingesting is pretty small, maybe even that's too much.
I've been really tight since late last week and I'm wondering if I'm too tight.

I suspect the first reason has some validity, but I don't have a strong memory of the heartburn being this bad. My big fear at this point is the second potential reason.

The weird thing about my current level of tightness is that it's just slightly different than the other times I've been super tight. For one, I can still eat mushies, but just not very much. In previous times, it was pretty clear to me that I couldn't eat more than a spoonful of mushies before I'd feel pain. And secondly, the tightness has lasted a little longer than usual. In previous times, the number of days of the temporary severe tightness was 2, maybe 3. But this has been since at least Wednesday of last week. Maybe it's been Tuesday, I forget, and I didn't write that down in my tracking sheet.

For you bandsters out there, you might guess to where my fears lead me next. What if my band has slipped or is in the process of slipping? Oh my, that would suck. Like, more than I really want to fathom right now. I don't want to have to pay for surgery to fix that, but I'd no little choice, now would I? But as long as I'm safe and eating healthy (I am) and not in pain (other than the heartburn when it comes after the Pepcid has worn off), there's nothing for me to do about it. If I were to get some new or different and unusual symptom, I'll definitey call the doctor, but at this point, I don't think there's a need. I'll see where my tightness goes in the next several days.

clothes and sizes

2010-03-08T22:57:00.000-08:00

On Saturday, Beau and I went to the mall. I had to return some stuff and while we were there, I decided to try on some things and try to figure out what my size actually is. You see, it’s complicated because I’m right on the edge of large sizes and regular sizes, and when you’re in the large sizes, sizes tend to be bigger. And when you’re in the regular sizes, sizes tend to be smaller. So I’m almost, like, in this weird void space in between. It’s kind of frustrating, to be honest.

Anyway, so we go shopping and underneath my clothes I’m wearing some Spanx. I tell ya, I love how that makes me look! It just flattens out (mostly) the weird bulges I have. I wouldn’t mind being this overweight if it were just evenly spread out. I tell ya, it’s almost motivating me to save up my money so I can afford some plastic surgery in a year or two. I just wish I didn't have to wear the Spanx to get that no bulge (or at least, many fewer bulges) look.

We have a wedding to go to in September, and for the first in years, I'd like to wear a dress. Not just my black floaty pants and a blouse, but a proper dress. Even the dresses I've owned before were fairly plain and kind of tomboyish.

I tried on a couple of dresses at Macy's mostly for giggles and info gathering. The two I tried on were from the same designer/maker, and I was a 16, maybe even a 14 if they had it for me to try on. But man, I haven't worn anything that was that empty in the chest. And I am a DD after I lost weight! I also don't know if these were women size 16 or regular 16. I suspect the former.

But the weirdest part is how self conscious I felt in both. Now, I know I have to take that in context given my current mood, but even still I know I'm self conscious dressing up as a "girlie girl." Ugh, I hate that! I've always been a tomboy, but I desperately want to be girlie. Okay, maybe not girlie per se, but I want to be feminine.

Why do I think I look weird in a dress? Is it because I'm 6 feet tall? Is it because I rarely wore them as a kid so I'm just not used to it? I probably looked fine, but I felt very conspicuous.

My super cool younger cousin in law has the feminine thing going for her and she's a strong independent woman like me, so why can't I be like her?

Or maybe the dresses just weren't right. I think that's part of it, but I guess I wish that were all of it.

I was talking about this with Beau earlier tonight after I wrote the text above, but hadn't posted it yet. He nailed perfectly what it is I want. I want to be able to switch into girlie girl mode when I want.

in a funk

2010-03-08T09:32:00.000-08:00

I've been in kind of a funk these last few days and I'm not really sure why. I can't tell how much of it is hormonal (not PMS because it's not the right time, but perhaps something else) and how much is, well, not. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, I feel self conscious (not just about my appearance, although actually, very little about my appearance), and I have very little motivation to get stuff done.

Part of it could be work, I suppose. I have a big deadline in just over a week and I am stressed about it. Whatever gets done will be done, and whatever doesn't, too bad. But unlike most of these similar deadlines, I won't get a mini break after. I still have a lot of tasks to do and new projects to start. That's hard to do when you're not motivated. :)

I gave up wheat for Lent. Boy is that hard! All my comfort foods have wheat in them (even though I shouldn't eat it because I'm allergic to it) and all I want is comfort food. Some wheat-free alternatives cut it, but most don't to be honest. This isn't helping my mood, but I know it's helping my body.

So I've been trying to figure out why I'm feeling so out if it. Usually, if I can understand my current emotion I can deal with it so much better. I wonder if I'm missing being a mom. Maaaybe?? Tough to say. When I ponder that, it doesn't feel quite right. That is, there's no "a-ha!" moment where I realize that's it. So maybe it’s part of the reason, but I don’t think it’s all. (Aside: 1 1/2 years ago Beau and I decided to not have kids. That was a joint decision, but one of us wanted them and the other didn't. So the whole situation is just... complicated.)

Last night I had some weird dreams. It wasn't until I was on my way to work when I realized that the dream wasn't real. In part of my dream, a male coworker whom I rarely ever see anymore came up to me and asked if he could ask me a personal question. Sure. Are you pregnant?

Since it was my dream and not real life I could see the dejected look on my face. I pulled him to a more quiet corner of the room and said that no, the bump on my stomach was not a baby belly and instead was just how my body holds its fat and that I had a lot of excess skin from my weight loss. As you can imagine, I felt positively awful. The next thing I thought in my dream was, “I need to post about this to my lap band blog.” I think this mental note was the reason the whole thing felt so real.

Anyway, I don’t know where I’m going with this, but I do know I needed to write some stuff down at the very least. I wrote most of the above text on the train to work (on my iPhone no less, go me), and I’m at work now, and I have all those tasks looming before me with their scary deadlines. I have the beginning of another post about clothes shopping this weekend. I’ll get to that later.

Rent the Runway

2010-02-08T16:07:00.000-08:00

I've mentioned my cool cousin in laws, right? Beau's second cousin and his wife. They came to visit us last summer and we all had a blast together being tourists in San Francisco, Napa Valley, and the SF Bay Area in general. They're a lot like us, but cooler, better looking, younger, and much more ambitious. =)

Anyway, so last December the wife blogs about Rent the Runway, a members only service where you can rent couture dresses for essentially $50 a pop. (You can read the website for more info.)

Curious, I checked out the site. I knew deep down there was no way they would go past size 14 because, really, big name fashion designers don't want their clothes on "fat" people. (I have a huge issue related to this that I'll try not to go into here.) But I'm thinking, maybe this would be the motivation I need to lose some more weight and get down into a size 14. I'm looking through the website and never see anything about what size they go up to.

I decide to email them. I say something to the effect that the website doesn't list their sizes, and they really should, and I'm assuming they don't do larger sizes, but they really ought to consider larger sizes because there are a lot of women out there with those kinds of desires, money, and size. (Read: me)

Here's the very prompt reply I received:

Hi Jennifer,
Thank you so much for your interest in Rent the Runway. We are always inviting any suggestions or feedback from any potential or current customer of ours. I appreciate your suggestions and will pass it along to our RTR team. We do carry up to a size 10 as of now, but will be receiving up to a 14 in January! We have a talented team of stylist here at Rent The Runway who are more than willing to help you choose a style that would best suit your body type. Let us know if you have any further questions!

To be honest, it's hard to remember when I laughed the hardest upon reading this reply. I forwarded the email to my cousin and said, "She's so *precious* thinking that size 14 is a "larger size." Such a sweet, cute, precious, elitist, snob. Oops, sorry, did I say that out loud? ;)"

The condescension was dripping in my voice, and I don't think my eyes could have rolled back any further in my head.

Siiiiigh.

Sometimes, I hate being 6 feet tall. Okay, maybe a lot of times. Once in my 20s, someone I had just met was wowing over my height. I told her I was 6' tall, and she replied, "Oh, I'd LOVE to be tall! I'd LOVE to be 5 foot nine!!" I replied, "I'd love to be 5' 9", too!"

So let's face it, I'm never going to get down to a legit size 14. Heck, I don't know if I'll get down to a legit size 16. And even then, that depends on whose measurements you go by. I can probably get down to a Eddie Bauer 16 because I'm right on the cusp. If this latest fill helps, I'll get there.

But J. Crew and The Gap? Gah, their posted measurements for size 16 are a lot smaller than Eddie Bauer's. I have no idea if I'll get there. Maybe if I'm really good about "dieting" and if I get a tummy tuck someday. Maybe.

I'll be honest, I'm really jealous of all you "normal" height people who, when you lose your excess weight, you're back in the more common clothing sizes. You may not be happy to be a 12 or a 10, but shit, I'd be ecstatic to even be able to shop in a regular store. I can still only shop in about 10% of all women's stores out there. But I will say this, 10% is better than 5%, which was my number before. But dear Lord in heaven, I'd be in heaven (and probably broke) if it were more like 80%.

sixth fill, "band holiday," european vacation

2010-02-03T13:07:00.000-08:00

I thought about titling this post as "February," but I dearly hope I'll post more often than once this month!

I had my sixth fill today, and I'm already glad I did. I'm not feeling a lot more restriction right away, but I can feel a little something-something. I know my body takes a couple days before it really knows, "oh hey, I'm more restricted now!" so I'm hoping this will get slightly tighter in a couple days. If, come Monday, I don't think I'm tight enough I might go in again. I got 0.25 cc today.

I'm also hoping that with this slight fill I'll also be better about eating mindfully all the time instead of some of the time, and that I'll be better about writing down everything I eat instead of just the morning's worth and then get lazy. It's like a new beginning!

I asked the doc about whether or not I should get a slight unfill before our European vacation. I explained how my mother in law would be with us and she doesn't know about the band because of her judgment, etc. (He nodded knowingly.) I explained that if something happened, I didn't want to have to find a fill doc there while trying to explain to my MIL what's going on. But I also explained that I want to make sure I'm not just trying to "enjoy my vacation" more by being able to eat more. I said I wasn't sure how much of each thought was going on in my head.

Without hesitation, he made a general statement that he thinks it's smart for bandster to take a "band holiday" every couple years. I have to admit, this surprised me. He made another general statement that he thinks getting a small unfill before a trip can be a good idea because the stress of traveling can make you tighter. And then based on those opinions and what I said about my MIL, he was very supportive of the idea of getting some sort of unfill before the trip.

I really found his band holiday idea interesting. Not because I'm looking forward to a holiday, but because I never expected it. When he was talking about it, he was saying that sometimes it's good for people to take a 1-2 week break and be able to eat bread and pasta again and enjoy that stuff, and then go back to being filled. He didn't outright say it, but what I inferred is that doing this can allow someone to not feel deprived, like they can never ever have something ever again. I think there's something to that, to be honest. It really fits into my approach of being able to eat what you want as long as you are getting the proper nutrition and number of calories (whether that means losing or maintaining). Anyway, it's good food for thought...

OH!! Hahaha, I can't believe I didn't think of this until I was writing the paragraph above! Omigosh, I change my mind, I DO like the idea of a band holiday. I forgot that sometime last year I had contemplated (very briefly) the idea of getting a complete unfill before eating at The French Laundry, and then getting a fill again after. I dismissed the idea because I was feeling very guilty, like that was wrong and a total waste of my money. But secretly, I want to be able to eat at TFL again.

If you're not familiar with TFL, it's a 3-star Michelin restaurant in the Napa Valley. It is basically one of the top 5 restaurants in the entire U.S. And it ain't cheap. Think $270 before drinks, tax, and tip for a 9-course meal. Yeah. Right. You can see why eating there while banded isn't exactly an option. Oh crap, I'm craving going there just thinking about it. Siiiiigh.

Anyway, so yeah, maybe if I get to my next mini-goal I'll be able to justify a trip to TFL. Well, let's be honest, I'd also want to go with some friends, like our cool cousins or some other foodies. Regardless, this isn't happening anytime soon, to be honest, I don't even know if it'll happen this year. But the point is, it's nice to know that my doc is supportive of something like this. Handy to have on the back burner, at least so I don't have to squash the dream immediately upon thinking about it. =)

I still haven't decided what to do about our European vacation. (I swear I think of the Chevy Chase movie every time I write that even though I never actually saw the movie.) If I had to guess, I'll probably get a slight unfill and not a full out and out "band holiday." But I'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

fill appointment

2010-01-25T13:05:00.000-08:00

I finally made an appointment for my next fill. The next time that works is Wednesday of next week. Now that I've made the decision to do it, I want to go now now now, but the other (less healthy?) part of me is secretly relieved I have a week to eat more food. Sigh. I guess the underlying food issues are still battling the smart part of my head. =)

Like Chrys just recommend in her comment to my previous post, I'm going to ask my doctor his opinion about getting an unfill and a fill before and after my trip overseas. If I do this, I want to make sure it's for safety reasons and not just so I can "enjoy myself" while on vacation.

January

2010-01-24T23:09:00.000-08:00

Taking my cues from Chrys, I'm making this subject the month I wrote the post since I haven't posted since (early) last month!

Happy new year to everyone!

(I hear crickets chirping.)

Anyway, I'm still here and all is well. Well, if you consider plateauing "well." I'm still in onederland, but I basically haven't budged. I fluctuate within a 4 pound range. Let's see if I can summarize stuff in bullet points:

I actually managed to lose weight during the week I was visiting my inlaws for Christmas. I thought I broke my plateau and I was excited! I managed to not overeat because I was a little self conscious about what I ate while in front of my Mother in law (she doesn't know about my band).
I managed to gain back all the weight I lost over Christmas. Sigh.
I'm eating around the band. This is why I'm plateauing.
I'm craving foods with *taste*. Like lots of taste. I've been seeking it out. Food that I can savor on my tongue. These tend to be foods that go through the band.
I'm not eating mindfully. I could at least start fixing that!
I had the surgery consultation with the plastic surgeon. I was hoping I would find the cost would be a little less than I guessed. Unfortunately, I found out it's a little bit more than I guessed. As much as I'd like to do it, I can't justify it, at least not now. Maybe if I do a great job of saving my money over the next year or two then I could justify it. But right now I'd rather spend my money on trips to other countries than on the plastic surgery.
I'm remembering how I was able to have such a poor body image when I was this weight on my "way up." I go back and forth between thinking I look great and being disappointed at all of my rolls, lumps, and sagging skin.
I keep on wavering about whether or not I should get a fill. There are days when it's obvious I could use. (Like the last couple days when I could eat so much before getting tight.) But then there are days when the restriction is just right. But my sister was saying that sometimes just getting a very small fill can be just what you need to put more pressure on the vagus nerve which can help take the edge off when fighting head hunger. I think that might be what I need. Now I just need to make an appointment.
Beau and I are going to Europe with his Mom and her husband sometime in May or June. I'm wondering if I ought to get a slight unfill before we go and then fill it up after we return. I'm thinking I might not want to run the risk of having band related problems in a foreign country *and* in front of my mother in law. But then the cheapskate in me comes out and thinks that's a lot of money to spend on "just fear." I have time to think.
I've known for quite some time now that most people who find my blog find the "First Bite Syndrome is a b*tch" post (http://jenniferx-journeytohealth.blogspot.com/2008/09/first-bite-syndrome-is-btch.html), but I recently got a comment from a reader who was so relieved to read about an experience that was similar to hers. Poor LouLee who has undergone so many different tests! I hope he/she finds some relief soon.
I've been a bad blog reader. That's part of the reason why I just haven't posted here on my own... I also haven't been reading as much! I want to start being better about that and get back into regularly reading blogs, band-related or not. Hey, at least I've been reading my husband's blog regularly. ;)

I guess that's it for now. I will try to be better... about both blogging and eating. I hope you are all well! I'd love to hear from anyone who's reading just so I know there aren't as many crickets chirping as I hear in my head. ;)

slackitude, surgeon consultation

2009-12-07T19:55:00.000-08:00

It seems that I just can't be bothered to update here. One contributing factor is that it means opening up a browser I never use so I can log in with a different google account. And really, I just get too lazy for that sometimes. Okay, most of the time.

I hadn't posted in awhile at first because nothing had changed. And then inertia takes over. Heck, I've also been negligent reading bandsters' blogs... and even other blogs! Sigh.

Although things were going fine and nothing had really changed, I'm posting now for a few reasons. One is that I'm noticing myself getting more and more lazy about recording what I eat. It usually happens on the weekends because I'm out and about and not in front of my spreadsheet where I keep track of my food intake. And then I get lazy on Monday because, well, I didn't do it over the weekend, so it's "okay" to not record now. And then on Tuesday, well, that's my last day of my food record, so what the heck, just start over on Wednesday.

It's weird, a lot of people have that kind of habit when it comes to "breaking their diet," but I rarely ever do. If I get off the bandwagon on a diet (when I was more strict about "dieting," like on Weight Watchers), I just got back on the next meat or day. I never waited until the week was over or something like that. Okay, rarely. It really was the exception to the rule.

But I seem to be following this pattern with recording my food, and I want that to stop. I want to stop that because I know from history that when I stop recording what I eat (no matter how much I eat), I start gaining weight. I don't to that to happen. Although I'm less likely to gain weight, I'm much more likely to maintain instead of lose.

Another reason I'm posting again is that I'm finally meeting with my sister's plastic surgeon tomorrow for a consultation. I have no idea what to expect or find out, but that's the whole point of a consultation, isn't it? Like I've alluded to before, I think the odds of me getting plastic surgery are fairly low, but instead of just assuming that, I want to do my research and know what the actual numbers are before dismissing any possibility.

In the past (my late 20s), I assumed I could never afford a place to live. But I never ever did the research to see how much it would cost every month and whether or not I could actually afford that. I never researched the prices of 1 bedroom condos in the area, or researched what mortgage rates were, or what that would mean in terms of a monthly mortgage. Well, I know now that I probably could have afforded something, and I'm kicking myself for assuming and not doing the research. Had I bought even just a 1 bedroom condo then, I could have made a fair bit of money on the profit which would have helped out me and Beau now. Ah well, what's done is done.

So, that's why I'm seeing the doc tomorrow. Oh yeah, I just remembered there was something else I was going to blog about, but I'll save that for another post.

insert witty subject here

2009-10-21T10:39:00.000-07:00

Things are going well here pretty much. I wonder why I don't post as much here as I used to. Ah well.

The weight loss rate is definitely slower than before. Every so often I think I'm actually plateauing, but then it turns out I'm not. In the past 3 months, I've averaged 2.5 pounds a month. That's pretty slow, but considering that I'm happy with what I eat and I'm still losing, I'll take it.

I'm really enjoying wearing my new clothes! The outfit I wore yesterday was downright cute. It feels good to like what I wear again.

My sister had her tummy tuck (sorta) surgery and it went well. It's not a true tummy tuck because the surgeon didn't tighten up the muscle, he only cut out skin and fat. But she's recovering very well and she looks great. The surgeon removed 14 pounds of skin and fat. Fourteen pounds! I can hardly fathom that. I still want to set up a consultation with him just for curiosity's sake. I just have to get off my a$$.

I'm going to visit the inlaws at Christmas time. Since I didn't make it there in May like I usually do, they haven't seen me since Thanksgiving of last year. That was 45 pounds ago! I admit there's this part of me that is vain and wants their accolades and cares what they think, and then there's this part of me that doesn't want my weight and looks to be an issue and just have them ask a simple, are you feeling healthy and happy? Because that's all that matters. But if I believe that's all that matters, why the hell do I care what they think about how I look?! I think a lot of this is in me (like most peer pressure) and it's how I perceive things. But I know another part is that my mother in law makes comments about weight (she's not as bad as some people, but any comments are too much in my opinion) and I've always been self conscious at how much weight I've gained since I started dating Beau. And heck, even when she first met me in person, I had already gained at least 20 pounds, blech!

Anyway, can you say issues? I knew you could. ;)

But other than those issues, life is good and I'm really happy. I hope all is well with you!

clothes, surgery, and an almost episode, mini-goal

2009-09-30T14:55:00.000-07:00

So much to cover in this post! But I'll try to be better and keep it brief. If I feel like it, I can expand upon the points later. =)

Clothes
It's a long story, but the short version is due to a set of random coincidences, I was award lots of money as part of a class action lawsuit. I wasn't planning on this, nor had I accounted any of this money in our budget. That means the first order of business of this "free money" (as I've been calling it) was a bunch of new clothes! I mean, I just went out and ordered a LOT of nice clothes, mostly nice for work. Luckily, I bought them during a 25% off time, but still, it was a lot. I'm going to return some of the items, but I'm so excited to have nice clothes for work! Especially for autumn!!

Dagumit, but a couple of the items make me look pretty darn good if I say so myself. I'm quite pleased.

(BTW, the second order of business for this free money is a reeeeally long massage sometime. I'm talking 1.5 to 2 hours or something. I haven't booked it yet, but I will. Oh yes I will.)

Surgery
My sister has lost 89 pounds so far, hurrah! She still has a way to go, but her doc recommended she have one of her plastic surgeries now to help remove some of the excess skin. Luckily for her, after one appeal process, her insurance is going to pay for it and her surgery will be on October 8. After getting excited for her, I've started to do some very minimal research about the different types of surgery. There's the tummy tuck and the lower body lift. I always thought I didn't start off heavy enough to justify plastic surgery, but now that I've lost 79 pounds (if I round the number), I can see some excess skin. Nothing that's medically critical, but it's still annoying. Also, looking at some before and after pictures and I begin to get a little bit envious.

So... I have this "free money" now, ya know? It's not enough to cover one of the less expensive surgical options, but... it's not that far away, either. Well, I haven't met with my sister's surgeon to get actual numbers, but I'm making some mild educated guesses. If I were to do this, it would be in the next calendar year, I'm guessing. So maybe I could be really dilligent about saving my money and not wasting money and save up for the rest of the price of surgery.

Anyway, the point is this is on my radar, even if just a little. I intend to make a free consultation with my sister's surgeon sometime in the nearish future.

An Almost Episode
I won't go into the gory details here, but I was in the ER last week. I had severe, sudden onset of lower abdominal pain while at work. It was so sudden and so painful that it scared me. I didn't think at the time that it was related to my band because it was really really low. But what I did think was that I was "backed up." I knew I hadn't had enough water, so maybe my body was upset at me. At the ER, my body took care of itself, but the pain didn't go away. The ER doc took X-rays of me to verify I didn't have any "compaction" (I didn't), and then he did some bloodwork to make sure it wasn't appendicitis (it wasn't).

I was beginning to feel better while in the ER, so that was good. But the weird part was that we never figured out what was wrong with me. Based on something I heard from an Internet friend in Canada, I think I might have had a weird stomach bug that mimics appendicitis. Sudden onset of pain with other symptoms that goes away after a few hours. Yeah, not fun.

But while at the ER, I realized I should consider the possibility that my band had complicated... something. I don't know what. I feel very confident it didn't, but the whole episode was a nice reminder to not take anything for granted.

The silver lining of the episode is that the X-rays taken of me also showed my band! I asked the X-ray technician if I could see my developed X-rays so I could see my band and she was very nice to oblige. I saw it up there around my upper stomach, and I saw my port, and the tube connecting the two. It was neat! What surprised me the most was just how long my tube really is. I suppose that's necessary for "just in case" purposes, but I really didn't expect it to be that long.

(BTW, I'm being better about drinking more water than I was the week before the episode.)

Mini-Goal
I finally reached my second goal this weekend, hurray!!!!

My next goal was "Oh-nee-der-land" or "wonderland", aka Onederland. =) On Sunday, I dropped 1.8 pounds from the day before, which put me at 199.0. I knew that number was low (it almost always is on the weekends), so I was mentally preparing myself for the number to go up to 200-something on today's weigh-in day. It did go up... to 199.8. Score!! Between this and looking cute in a couple of my new clothes, I'm getting giddy and even beginning to call myself cute.

Beau is adorable because he's all excited that I am finally realizing that I'm "cute."

I'll stop here for now before this gets much longer. Considering the number of topics I covered, I think I did relatively well... =}

so behind

2009-09-19T23:23:00.000-07:00

I got online tonight thinking I was going to write a long post here. But I am so behind on reading my other lap band blogs that it's now late and I'm too tired to get all verbose on you.

Also, I'm still not all caught up on my blog reading. If I missed something you posted that you think I should see or would enjoy, please post it here!

Anyway, to help me remember what I want to write about the next time I get the chance:

Plastic surgery (for my sister, and possibly for me?)
clothes (having a hard time figuring out my size)

I thought there was something else relatively small, but I'm already forgetting. Ah well.

Good night for now, I will be back later.

luckiest girl!

2009-09-04T23:04:00.001-07:00

One of my dear readers of this blog (and even the occasional commenter) is Vanessa. Beau and I visited her last night on our roadtrip to the Pacific Northwest. She is the hostess with the mostest. Her cute little house is adorable, as is her neighborhood. We hadn't seen her since she moved away from Silicon Valley a couple years ago, so it was wonderful to catch up with her and ask a zillion questions about her life.

On top of all the wonderful qualities about her (including the homecooked meal she made us, YUM) is the fact that she went out of her way to have frozen peaches and blueberries on hand so I could make a smoothie this morning. How cool is she?? So, I finally had a morning smoothie. All is right with the world.

Thank you, Vanessa!!!

Now, if only I didn't eat quite as much of her made from scratch chocolate cake with chocolate frosting... (again with the YUM). But between my morning smoothie and the gazpacho soup at dinner and the cantaloupe salad at dinner, I definitely got my fruits and veggies servings today, so I feel good about that.

The trip is going very well and we are seeing lots of people and lots of land. I am also taking a lot of pictures of really good food...

one last post today, I swear!

2009-08-26T12:52:00.000-07:00

Three consecutive posts, I apologize.

Beau and I are going on a road trip starting this weekend going through Labor Day. I'm really looking forward to it, but I am not looking forward to not having my morning smoothie every day! I have become quite addicted to it. =( Heck, at this point, I am thisclose to bringing a blender with me and a cooler so I can make my smoothies. Ugh, that sounds awful, though. I might just have to suck it up and eat fresh fruit and try to eat more veggies. Then I'll have to make sure I drink a protein supplement (probably a protein bullet) everyday to get my protein intake up.

But heck, if I ever want to travel to Europe or some other country for a couple weeks, I have to get used to not having a blender with me. I guess I just need to suck it up and deal. ;)

supplements

2009-08-26T12:34:00.001-07:00

I've started taking even more supplements than before, and I'm really looking forward to how they might affect me (I'm assuming/guessing/hoping for the better).

It all started when I mentioned to my chiropractor that I've been having leg, toe, ankle, and shin cramps in the middle of the night and that they are freaking annoying. (She knows about my WLS and is very happy with the results so far, of course.) She asked if was getting enough potassium and magnesium.

Uhhhhhhh, probably not.

I figured I was probably getting enough potassium because my liquid multi-vitamin has it, but I knew I wasn't taking any magnesium supplement (only a calcium and D3 combo), so I figured that might be the culprit.

Long story short (too late!), I went online to the company that makes my B12 sublingal powder and looked around to see what else they well. They make high quality supplements that are excellent for people with allergies and sensitivities (mine aren't bad, but I like the idea of no fillers).

http://www.kirkmanlabs.com/

They sell a lot of liquid and powdered versions of different supplements. They also sell some trial size versions so you can see what you like. It was time to order more vitamin B12 (link included because they don't list it as B12 for some odd reason), so I also ordered a magnesium powder to add to my morning smoothies. I also ordered a bunch of trial sizes of the following:

liquid zinc
amino acid support
powdered and chewable vitamin C
vitamin E in capsules
their original multi-vitamin in 2 different liquid flavors and their original powder

I checked out just about all of their products to see what they well. I did a bunch of reading on wikipedia and the web in general to see what the claims are for some of the types of supplements.

The magnesium citrate powder definitely adds a sort of "citrusy" flavor to my smoothie from the citric acid ("citrate" part of the compound). It actually works okay. I was worried at first it might be too tart, but it seems to be okay. The liquid zinc is totally easy to take, but I have to take it at night so I don't take it soon after eating fiber, calcium, or magnesium (all in my morning smoothie). I have no idea if I need the amino acid support, but I figure it can't hurt.

In addition to the ones listed above, I already take Coenzyne Q10, an Omega3, calcium citrate with D3, and a multi-vitamin.

I think I'll order a full size of the amino acid support, and I'm still undecided on their multi-vitamin. Basically, my liquid multi from Whole Foods can give me temporary heartburn when I take it so I'm less likely to actually take it. Also, the flavor is only barely tolerable, not great. Sometimes it's just so tempting to take the gummy multivitamin instead, but I know the liquid multi has so much more in it for me. Although, I'm not sure the Kirkman multi-vitamin is all that much better than my gummy vitamins from Costco. I need to compare the two a little better.

good restriction, but also good hunger

2009-08-26T12:28:00.000-07:00

I keep on expecting my restriction to loosen up, but it hasn't. That's good! Trust me, I really don't mind not having to spend more money on a fill appointment.

What would be better is if I didn't eat around the band yesterday. Ugh. It was bad. I was not eating mindfully, but at the same time I also didn't care. I guess it was stress eating, but I didn't think I was all that stressed. I guess my body knows better than my head? ;)

But what's nice about being banded is that eating "too much food" is still so much better than before the band. Everything is relative, so that now, "too much food" is really a normal amount of food. It's the amount of calories to either maintain my weight or lose it reeeeeally sloooooowly over time. I think my body is doing the latter.

But the weird thing is that I've also been feeling more true hunger as well. Luckily, it seems to only come in the morning (along with some really embarrassing gurgling sounds in my stomach during meetings!) and it goes away with just a little bit of food. It's just... weird. But I don't mind as long as it doesn't consume me (and it hasn't yet).

Up next... supplements!

two posts in one day!

2009-08-19T14:42:00.000-07:00

I had a whole long post where I was beating a dead horse again, but I'll delete it now. The short version is that I had another realization last night about just how fat I was in the last several years, and in how much denial I was during that time.

Instead, I will say just how happy I am that Beau has stayed with me the entire time. The poor guy, I gained (and lost and gained again) 65 pounds since we started dating and yet, he stuck with me and still called me beautiful the whole time. But lucky him, I now weigh almost 20 pounds less than when we first met. =)

I love him!!

As I got heavier, I felt a little embarrassed on his behalf when he'd say how beautiful I was to other people. I felt like I was letting him down because I didn't feel like I lived up to his claims. I was worried people would hear him boast and then see me and say to themselves... oh.

Thank you, Beau, for never giving up on me. I love you more than I'll ever be able to express.

clothes, clothes, clothes, the word has lost all meaning

2009-08-19T14:24:00.001-07:00

Someone needs to save me from decimating my wallet in the quest to buy new clothes. I knew that getting skinnier would be tough on ye olde pocketbook, but I really thought it would be toughest if I got down to a regular size 16 when all of the sudden I could shop in more stores again. But nope, even at my size 18 I'm a danger to myself.

I've been buying cheapie clothes and mostly casual clothes at the Lane Bryant outlet for the last couple sizes because I knew the clothes would be temporary. I'm fine with that, and in retrospect, that was very wise. I can even now shop in the Eddie Bayer regular and tall sections, so I'm happy about that as well.

But my current problem is that my weight loss rate has slowed down and I'm at the very top weight of my current size... so there's this part of me that just wants to buy a bunch of nicer clothes at this size! I find the devil on my left shoulder trying to tell the angel on the right shoulder that it's worth it because I'll be at this size for so many months. And then the devil pulls a dirty trick trying to tell the angel that heck, I'll probably always wear this size because, really, what are the odds I'll go down a WHOLE other size at this height and weight?!

That damn devil.

The angel wants to be convinced because OMG, Coldwater Creek has some really cute pieces in the new fall lineup. Lots of black and white and even some gray. And lord knows I'm a sucker for black and white. The angel then says, "wellll, there is a $25 off coupon if you spend $100 or more, not to mention free shipping."

The problem is, I'd love to spend much more than $100 right now. =)

So, what do I do? Some of the items I want to purchase are nice pieces I could wear to work. Business casual, but more emphasis on the business and a little less on the casual. Every day I wear casual to work. Heck, I wouldn't even call it business casual except for the fact that I live and work in Silicon Valley, so just wearing long pants instead of shorts is considered business casual. ;)

There's an additional problem about some of the more work oriented pieces... two of them are skirts. Not a problem in general, of course, except for the fact that I can only wear skirts on the days I drive to work and not on the days I take my bike on the train. My goal is to take the train every day, but things come up (mostly driving my nephew to daycare) that cause me to drive now and then. So, can I really justify buying skirts that are more suitable for work and less so for hanging out with friends at other times?

I want to say yes. I also want to say hey, I deserve this because I'm getting a bonus in September after all. But I also want to point out that the bonus is going toward a roadtrip coming up and our plane tickets to see the inlaws in December. (Don't get me started on how expensive it is to fly there and be bored to tears. It's a damn good thing our nephews and nieces are so frigging adorable.)

I think I'll go to the brick and mortar Coldwater Creek store just to try some items on and see if there's anything I truly can't live without. I'm just glad they carry some larger sizes, too! I'm right on the border between women's and miss's, so I don't know what size to order from CC right now.

challenges (the other kind), clothes, surgery, more

2009-08-05T14:32:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I joined Fat Girl Slim's 10 kg challenge... I don't usually respond well to challenges. I guess I was hoping that I might respond well this time? I was being unusually optimistic, or I was desperate, dunno which. All I know is that it hasn't changed my eating habits any. I'm still losing, but still losing slowly. Maybe I need to find a different way to change my eating habits. Or maybe I should just be okay with losing slowly.

I'm finally wearing a pair of jeans that are slim on me. That is, there isn't lots of extra space around the thights. Every other pair of jeans and pants I've worn have been loser around the thighs in order to accomodate my big tummy. Even though my tummy is still disproportionately larger than the rest of my body, the difference is smaller than before, which is nice.

I admit I still want spot reduction help, though. =P Sigh. Beau (I love him) did casually ask (very casually, I doubt he wanted me to take him up on the offer) a couple days ago after I lamented on my funny shape how much it would cost for lipo/surgery of some sort. I replied with a guess between 10k and 20k, thinking it would automatically turn him off. Then he casually mentioned that maybe we could do that. Dude, I do not want to waste our savings on me being temporarily skinny. Because really, even if we did this and I was more evenly spread out, it's no guarantee I would stay that way.

Besides, I was thinking about it recently... why do I need to have a "better" body when I already have beau? It's not like I'm trying to attract men. So what's the big deal? Okay, sure, I want to look nice in general, I want to wear particular styles and clothes I can't wear now, but...... what's the big deal if I can't? I mean, la di da, get over it.

So thank you, Beau, for even considering it, but I still stick to the story that unless we win the Super Lotto, the surgery ain't happening. =) I do love you immensely, though. =)

As much as I want to believe this morning's weekly weigh-in, I think it's too low. I've been sick for just over a week and have been taking nasal decongestants for several days now. Those things dehydrate you, so I know I'll gain some water back when this is all over. But even still, it's nice to see a new number, even if just for now.

My personal challenge for the weekend will be to not overeat crap while I go camping this weekend. My whole life I've associated camping with eating lots of yummy food, and lots of food I don't normally buy and/or eat (like chips). I've done most of the grocery shopping for the trip already and so far, so good. I'm not saying I'll only eat chicken breast and broccoli, but my goal is to not get obsessed over the food part of the weekend.

what did I just do?

2009-07-27T16:07:00.000-07:00

I'm naturally pretty competitive. I hate being competitive. I hate how I get when I'm competitive. I take things way too seriously. These are all the reasons why I almost never like to be in a competition. I don't usually let myself be competitive. In fact, I rarely ever respond postively to a competitive or challenging environment.

However, for some odd reason, I join Fat Girl Slim's 10 kg challenge. (10 kg = 22 lbs)

I think I know why. I'm worried that I'm eating too much crap. Okay, I know I am. I know that the amount of carbs I'm eating is directly contributing to my slowed weight loss rate. I can so easily fix that! But I haven't. I say to myself that I'm losing weight anyway, I'm getting all the nutrition my body needs, so it's all good. But just think how much quicker I could lose if I just cut out a little bit here and there. That's all I need, a little here and there.

So maybe, just maybe, this will help keep me on point. Still, there's no guarantee it will. There's no guarantee I'll feel like this is a "safe" environment, and instead I'll just resist and ignore the situation. (I know myself too well.) But maybe I'll take this as a positive influence and try to act like I just got banded a month ago instead of a year ago.

I still think 22 pounds is far away for me, but good golly, that would be an excellent number because it's the lowest weight I ever was at this height. =)

photos and new clothes

2009-07-27T15:23:00.000-07:00

I finally admitted that the clothes I'm wearing now are too baggy on me. I thought surely I must be wrong because it's "too soon" to be going down another size. I think the problem is that I took too long before buying clothes in the size I was wearing, so when I bought them, they were a smidge on the loose side. So I didn't have to lose as many pounds to get to the next size.

Beau and I went to the Gilroy Outlets yesterday so I could stock up on some cheap shirts at the Lane Bryant outlet store. That's the bummer part about being 6 feet tall... I'm a lot skinnier than before, but because of my height, I still need large clothes. Argh!

But the good news is that I was also able to shop at the Eddie Bauer outlet store! In fact, I'm low enough that I'm now a 16W which is about the same as a regular ol' 18. However, if an Eddie Bauer top is designed to fit closely, it'll be way too tight for all my bulges. =( So I can't wear any close fitting t-shirts just yet. Too bad, too, because EB had a gorgeous dark raisin colored v-neck t-shirt whose color I adored! (I could practically make love to that color, it was that yummy.)

As fun and exciting as it is to be able to buy new clothes, there are some very slight downsides. One is that I think I will be at this size for relatively long. This is due to my weight loss rate slowing down and the fact that I just barely fit into this size. The other is that as much as I long for new clothes, I just don't want to spend the money on them. I'm willing to spend money on clothes, especially quality clothes, once I know what my "final" weight will be, but I just don't know where that is yet, ya know?

In other news, I was looking through my photographs lately to burn a CD of photos for my sister. There are a few things I noticed again and was reminded of:

Before the lap band, in the last several years when I was really frigging fat, there are very few pics with me in them.
Any pics of both me and Beau, I'm usually standing behind him so he can cover up most of my body.
I really was big and I had really gotten in denial about it.
I gained more weight in my face than I ever realized. It's no wonder people have been telling me how much weight I lost in my face! =P

I love the fact that I am no longer ashamed to see myself in a photograph! You know what I'm looking forward to? Taking lots of photos of Beau and I when we go on vacations. We went to Europe a couple years ago and I'm barely in any of the pics. Now, granted, I was the main photographer, so that's to be expected to some degree, but I also didn't go out of my way to ask random strangers to take our pic. Well, not that often, anyway. I want to chronicle our life together, not just take photos of scenery. Okay, scenery, too, but I want us to be there, too, to give that scenery context.

We've decided to spend a week going up the Pacific Northwest for the first week in September. (Hi Vanessa, if you're reading this!) This is assuming Beau gets the time off. If he does, then I'll ask for it (and probably get it), and then we start contacting all the various people we know between here and Canada and see if they have time for us to stop by and say hi on our trek. And there will be lots and lots of pictures. I can't wait. =)

age

2009-07-10T14:33:00.000-07:00

Know what's sad? I just now realized I needed to update my profile blurb here in Blogger to reflect the fact that I have already had a birthday this year. =P I'm 38, not 37, despite any denial I might be in! ;)

God bless the inventor of Spanx

2009-07-10T14:09:00.000-07:00

I have had not one, not two, but FOUR different compliments from people today. It's like someone flipped a switch and all of the sudden I'm looking good. I'm not complaining, I'll take it! But it's still feels a little weird.

1) I'm actually wearing eyeliner and mascara today. I know that helps. My eyes don't get quite as lost in my head when I wear eyeliner and mascara.

2) I'm wearing the Spanx product that goes above your waist up to the bottom of your bra. That allows me to wear a shirt (and heck, it's only a black v-neck t-shirt for crying out loud) that is more form fitting than I'm used to. It's definitely not tight, but it's not baggy like I usually wear my shirts.

The bummer thing is that I only feel comfortable wearing a closer fitting shirt because of the control garment. The last time I was at this weight (probably the end of college or soon after graduation), I had more muscle and less fat. And I certainly remember not having quite this much fat above my waist. I wish I didn't waste all those skinnier years on loose fitting clothes. I should have listened to my sister! I knew she was right, but I was still self conscious.

So now I'm more willing to wear closer fitting clothes, but I have even less of an appropriate body for that now than then. What a shame! I've always said that I would mind being overweight a lot less if I were more evenly overweight. No, instead I have lots of rolls that stick out at odd places in my clothes. It certainly makes tops difficult to find that fit.

But with the Spanx that gives me upper body control, my upper jelly roll is less obvious. I like that! Yes, I still have extra weight there, but I really don't care so much. My body shape is more flattering.

Between this and the fact that I'm definitely getting the loose skin in various places, I really wish we had the money to do some liposuction and some minor trimming of excess skin. We'd have to have a big windfall of money to justify it, and I just don't see that happening anytime soon, if ever. ;) We have some money in savings, but I'd rather we save the bulk of it if one of us loses a job, or better yet... on a new washer and dryer! (And fridge, too, now that we're on the subject of appliances.)

This Spanx product is black, so I can't wear it with light colored clothes. I might have to go back and buy a flesh colored one. Hmmmmm...

time, first bite syndrome, restriction, anniversary, photos

2009-07-09T14:17:00.000-07:00

Wow, has it really been 4 weeks since I last posted here? I knew it had been awhile, but I guess I didn't realize it was that long ago. I was beginning to plateau again and I guess part of me didn't want to post here while I was plateauing. Silly and unnecessary, I know, but I think that was only part of it, really. The other part is that my life got really busy the last couple weeks, but in a good way!

Beau and I went camping with a bunch (about 40 total!) family friends two weekends ago, which was a lot of fun. Last weekend, his cousin and wife visited us and the four of us basically vacation in San Francisco and its environs for a week. We had a blast! I took them back to the airport this morning, and I'm already bummed they're gone. They're so much like us, but 7 years younger and a lot more cool. I wanna be like her when I grow up. ;)

Part of our time together was spent eating really good food. Part of me was looking forward to getting naturally tighter before they got here... but it never happened. Then I was worried I'd get naturally tighter while they were here and we'd be going out to nice restaurants! How silly of me, I know, but there it is.

Then I don't know which is the lesser of two evils... I never got naturally tighter, so is that a good thing because I could enjoy more of the good food, or a bad thing because my weight loss is still slow now? Heh. I want my cake and eat it, too. (Literally and figuratively, it seems.)

I thought I was plateauing, but I'm actually not. I'm just losing really really slowly. That's okay, really, but it still requires patience.

Actually, I said I never got naturally tighter, but there is a possibility that I actually did. I'm just not sure. Maybe I did and I just don't/won't get as tight as I did two months ago. There were a few times this past week when I thought I was getting tight... but then could eat more food. In retrospect, I think what was going on is first bite syndrome. I haven't had it this often recently, so I'm a little unsure of how to interpret my body right now. Also, if I was feeling FBS, it was relatively minor. I was feeling somewhere in between FBS and natural tightness.

My one year bandiversary is almost here! It's one week from today, actually. I start counting my weight loss from July 8, 2008, though, so I'm already at one year for my weight loss. The official results are in... (drum roll please).....

I lost 70 pounds in one year.

Not bad! I'm happy with that, to say the least. Sure, I could have lost more weight if I had "dieted" more, but I like being able to eat what I want, as long as I get the proper nutrition in and still lose weight. Also, it looks like I'm still losing weight, even if it's kinda slow. I could definitely benefit from the 5 Day Pouch Test, though, so I think I'll try that next week or soon after.

I posted a bunch of pics from our week with the cousins on Facebook and I'm getting a lot of compliments. I'd be lying if I said I didn't care about that. ;) I think as I get lower and closer to the weight where my body will plateau, it really helps to have the ego boosts. That's not why I posted the pics, but I have been appreciating them immensely. Although, sometimes I look at pics of me and I see how far I've come, and other times I still see how far I have to go. But luckily lately, I've been focusing more on the how far I've come part. =}

I hope you are all well. I was doing pretty good reading other LB blogs, but I slacked the past week when the cousins were here. I have some catching up to do!

I hate coming up with subject lines

2009-06-11T11:16:00.001-07:00

Really, I do. It's a struggle for me to balance attempts at wit, diversity, and informational. Sometimes, like now, I just give up.

ANYway.

It's interesting to me how I have an easier time noticing the natural fluctuations in my tightness when I'm fairly tight. Previously when I was slightly less tight, I had a hard time knowing for sure if the difference in hunger I felt from day to day was head hunger or something physical. Now, I have a pretty good idea.

Also, if the next few days go as I expect, then I might actually start seeing a consistent pattern for when I get tightest during my cycle. I expect to only be able to tolerate liquids this weekend. I was feeling fairly loose last weekend and as of yesterday, I'm beginning to feel myself get tighter, and today I feel that, too.

Emotions are a funny thing. Last weekend, I was practically elated that I could almost anything, and there was a part of me that wanted to take advantage of it. I made sure I ate some green salad (which is hard for me when I'm tighter because I can have maybe a forkful), but I also wanted to eat food I rarely ever eat anymore... like Afghan food! (I never got around to getting it because Beau wanted Italian.) And I could see the potential for not-so-good behaviors to come out and just desire to eat eat eat. I both liked being able to eat what I want, and also was looking forward to feeling tighter again someday so I wouldn't feel tempted.

But what's different this time is that when I was feeling relatively loose, I didn't get anxious. I didn't get worried that omigosh what if I never feel tight again oh no oh no oh no! No, instead, I had faith that I would indeed get tighter again and be okay.

And now that I'm getting tighter again, instead of freaking out that I'll never be able to eat solid food again, I'm actually kind of looking forward to 4 days of taking it easy and losing a bunch of weight until I get to a more "normal" restriction. That is to say, I have faith that I will be able to eat solid food again. (I can actually eat solid food now, but I'm going on the assumption that won't last much longer.)

I have another post in me about clothes and dresses, but I have to get some work done. Maybe later!

memory loss

2009-06-02T09:22:00.000-07:00

Well, to say memory "loss," that implies I had a memory to begin with. That's seriously in doubt.

Anyway, sure enough, that skirt I posted in my previous post? The one I said is very similar to the one I bought, but not the same?

Definitely the same.

Doh!

I seriously don't remember the gingham background. In my memory (if you can call it that), it was a white background with the floral/butterfly print on it. Oh well. I still think it's cute!

gym, clothes, stream of consciousness

2009-06-01T23:04:00.000-07:00

I finally went to the gym again. I was sick for two weeks and then I had something going on every night last week, so I couldn't go. I was really getting antsy, if you can believe it! But I got a lot of walking done over the weekend (Maker Faire at the San Mateo fairgrounds) and rode my bike to work a couple times last week, so there was that at least. But I really wanted to do some weights again, which I did tonight. I think I'll even be able to go to the gym again some night this week!

Chrys was talking in her blog post earlier today that she's been feeling more feminine now that's she's lost a lot of weight. I can totally relate to that! I've always been more of a tomboy anyway, but it got worse as I got heavier. It doesn't help that there are fewer clothing selections at bigger sizes, but tack on the extra height and it was a mess. Like Chrys, I felt like a big shapeless blob. Whee!!

But I'm feeling more fit and cute lately! I don't know if I am or not, but I feel that way, which is a nice change. I ordered a pair of cropped yoga pants for gym purposes and finally tried them on last night. (I got them in the mail a few weeks ago. I know, I'm a slacker.) They look cute on me and I was feeling perky for a bit there. I think that's what motivated me to go to the gym tonight. (Although, funnily enough, I wore my regular workout pants instead.)

Going back to the feeling more feminine thing, I actually bought a feminine skirt at Talbot's a week and a half ago. I wasn't planning on it, but I had time to kill before picking up Beau. I bought it not knowing if I'd keep it (price wasn't too bad, considering the store), but figured I could return it if I couldn't think of an occasion or couldn't justify spending the money. Luckily for me I remembered an event I can wear it to: a baby shower I'm hosting for a girlfriend. Woo!

This isn't the exact same skirt, but it's close enough. I searched for the skirt I bought and I can't find it. =P Mine is very similar to this, but it doesn't have the gingham background. But there's a solid black band on the bottom, and a black antique-y butterfly print above. (Of course, watch me walk upstairs, look at my skirt again, and realize it really is the one picture above. That would be good for a laugh. [Edited to add: Yup, sure enough, that's the actual skirt! =P I seriously didn't remember the gingham background. RLY.])

But I still want more! I want more cute clothes! I know darn well that in order to be able to choose from more clothes, I need to get down to a legit size 16. That may or may not happen. I cannot get my hopes up too high just yet. One day at a time...

What's weird, though, is that even though I was feeling skinny and fit yesterday at one point... I also had a reality check and knew I wasn't "there" yet. I still have a pretty good size jelly roll both above and below my waist. I still have a fair bit of back fat. I still have (and let's face it, probably always will) lumpy skin on my upper abdoment, upper arms, and thighs. That's okay, that realization helps me not get complacent. I have many rivers to cross still.

pilates and major restriction

2009-05-20T10:50:00.000-07:00

I finally attended (and worked out, even!) a pilates class at my new gym on Monday evening.

Or, as Nola and her fellow "Hornbags" would call it, pill-are-tees. (Omigod, you gotta read her post where she defines what a hornbag is for us United Statesians and more.)

Anyway. Pilates. I did it. Hoh boy, but my core muscles are not very strong right now. I knew this. Well, I suspected it, and I was correct. So in that regard, it felt good to be back and doing something about it. I guess the instructor we had was a substitute, so I don't know what the usual instructor is like. This one was okay, but she definitely assumed you knew how to do proper pilates breathing and how to hold those core muscles during the various movements. This was allegedly a "Pilates I" class, so I would have assumed they'd at least explain a little bit about pilates breathing, but maybe not. Luckily, I do know how to do that and did my best to hold to it as much as possible.

What I'm really excited to do again is some strength training on the weight machines! I basically didn't work out at the gym for two weeks while I was sick. Bah. I didn't like that, especially since I had just joined the gym a month ago.

Enough gym talk. The other big news for me is how I could only drink liquids from Saturday afternoon until Monday morning.

Egad, that was rough.

I could feel myself getting naturally tighter and tighter as last week progressed. By Friday night I could barely eat anything at dinner time, but I did eat some food. I grazed and had a little bit more later that night at home, but paid the price by sliming (without pain, which was weird, but good) for many hours that night which made get to bed late.

I took it easy at breakfast on Saturday where I was at this shindig that had an organic continental buffet breakfast. I had some yogurt with just a teeeeeny bit of granola, and a wee little fruit filled pastry thing, and some cantaloupe. (All carbs, of course, oy.) But at lunch time, I got first bite syndrome eating some of Beau's ice cream sundae. Ice cream, for crying out loud!! You'd think that would go down easily. Anyway, it didn't. I thought I was taking it easy, food-wise, on Saturday, but by Saturday night I could tell I was pretty freaking tight and ordered cream of mushroom soup... and a green salad because I was being optimistic.

BZZZZZZZZZT. I had them bring me the salad already boxed up because I couldn't eat it. I had my cream of mushroom soup, but couldn't eat it all. I had two small spoonfuls of Beau's gazpacho (omigod so good), but I guess even chewing those veggies made me way too full.

That's a long way of saying that by Sunday, I didn't even bother trying to eat solid food. I didn't even take any of the food samples from the farmers market! We made a soup run in the afternoon, and by the evening I bought some refried beans in case I would be able to eat that. I really wanted more protein in me. I had a protein drink, but I wanted food with protein, ya know?

What was hard at the time was knowing whether or not the weekend was just my natural, cyclical tighter time in my cycle. The problem is that the natural tightness does not show up at the same time in my cycle every month. As long as it was the natural tighter period, I was fine with it and willing to wait it out. And take advantage of it and lose more weight, too! But the fear I had the whole time was what if I was still going to get tighter? If I did, I was worried I wouldn't be able to get liquids down.

Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it. ;) Anyway, I had no problem with the refried beans on Monday, and yesterday (Tuesday) I felt hungry for the first time in days, so I could tell I'd be able to eat solids.

So yeah, I could definitely eat solid food yesterday. =P More than I thought I'd be able to, frankly. Anyway, it's nice to be able to real food again, but now I have to pay attention and make sure I eat properly and not just allow myself ice cream because I know I'm tight and need at least some calories in me. Heh. ;)

In other good news, my weight is still going down! I'm beyond ecstatic to be past my plateau. I'm ready to ride this out and see how far it goes. I'm getting closer and closer to my next mini goal: Oh-knee-der-land! (aka "onederland")

another milestone!

2009-05-13T13:14:00.000-07:00

Last night I had to get out my driver's license for something and for some reason that made me realize that I finally weigh less than the number listed on my driver's license! I was giddy I tell you, giddy!

I swear, sometimes it's the little things in life.

The number listed on my license was the numbef of my first mini-goal. The weight I was when I first met Beau. The weight I've been so many times in my adult life. The weight at which I was plateauing just a month or two ago. But not now, baby, not now. I have broken that plateau, I have gone past my first goal, and my weight is still going down.

Heck, I might even weigh the same or barely less than Beau now, I'm not sure. I didn't make him get on the scale this morning, but in retrospect, maybe I should have, hahaha. ;)

I won't go out of my way to update the weight on my license (Lord knows I didn't make a point of making that weight accurate the last couple times I had to get new licenses!), but I will certainly be glad to update that number to a lower number when I get the opportunity again. That will be oh so sweet.

Other than that, the latest fill is going well. I can barely eat much food at any given meal, which I like. I prefer it that way so I can feel like I'm being more "decadent" by eating a snack between meals to get all my nutrition in. That feels decadent even though logically, I know it's not.

The only thing I don't like about this restriction is that there have been a couple times where I wanted to just eat a "lot" of food at one sitting. I don't mean a lot by typical people's definition, I mean a lot according to a bandster's definition! Do you know what I really miss? Being able to eat a medium to big salad! Isn't that strange? I love good quality greens with a good quality homemade salad dressing. (I can't stand bottled dressings anymore, I guess because of the preservatives.) I don't even want a lot of dressing on, just enough so the lettuce doesn't squeak next to my teeth. There's something satisfying about a healthy salad.

Anyway, so last night, I decided to eat a salad for dinner. I barely ate any of the yummy chicken breast with it, either, or otherwise I'd have no room left for the lettuce! I slowly and slowly ate away at it and probably got about 1.5 cups worth of lettuce in. I think I had the equivalent of one slice of the chicken breast, too. I brought home the rest of the chicken and ate another wee slice that night to get some more protein in me. I had the rest of the salad and chicken today at lunch.

Here's stating the obvious, ready? With today's lunch of a green salad and then eating chicken breast I am... get this... satisfied and full and I've barely had that many calories today! Hahaha, you'd think I'd do this every day. =P Okay, note to self: you need to do this more often. Heh. (I guess I was just getting so sick of chicken breasts before. Oy.)

I'm happy with this week's weight loss, but I have a hunch it might hold steady for next week. I've been sick for about a week now and have been taking nasal decongestants for several days, which dehydrates you. So I doubt all of this weight loss is from fat, alas. Some surely has to be water. Ah well, that's why I look at the trend over time, right?

orange juice

2009-05-07T10:15:00.001-07:00

I started getting a head cold on Tuesday, but yesterday was the first day it really started to make me feel OMGSOTIRED. These things usually last a while for me, so I'm working today and yesterday because I expect this to get worse before it gets better. (I sure hope I'm wrong.)

Anyway, so I'm at the office today and I have a small container of orange juice that was given to me at work a couple weeks ago. I kept it in the fridge thinking it might be a "treat" someday, or maybe I'd end up giving it away.

Well, I decided to drink it today because my throat is beginning to get a little raw and I figured the vitamin C would be good for me.

OMG JUICE SO GOOD!

Ahem.

I basically never drink juice anymore, except maybe a sip of someone's drink. But even that doesn't happen all that often. There was a time in my life when I was addicted to juice and had to have a drink of o.j. in the morning to "wake up my mouth." I broke that addiction (thank God) when I first did a low carb diet. Now with the band, I drink juice even less.

That means between my lack of juice drinking and my slightly raw throat, this is the best fucking orange juice I've ever had. (Okay, it helps that this isn't from concentrate, either.) It's the right amount of sweetness and tartness. The acid goes down my throat and I can practically feel it killing whatever microorganisms are living there causing me grief. Die fuckers, DIE!!!

Ahem.

Okay, so I know this won't make my cold go away right away, but I am enjoying mindfully drinking this o.j. and savoring every 110 calories of it.

bathtub!

2009-05-05T09:04:00.000-07:00

I knew I forgot to post about something else yesterday... I took a bath in a bathtub Sunday night! That is only the second time I tried to soak in our bathtub since we bought our house 3.5 years ago. The first time I did, I hated it because my hips were wedged in there and no water could go past them. It's bad enough having my really long legs in a bathtub such that I can never have my whole length in there (trust me, that sucks), but it was made worse by being so wide as well.

It finally occurred to me to try the tub again and voila! Sure enough, I fit comfortably enough. (The length is still a huge problem, but I've been used to that for quite some time now.) I sat in there relaxing some and reading some. I will do this again, that's for sure!

first bite syndrome update

2009-05-04T15:46:00.000-07:00

Now that I've added the Live Traffic Feed to my blog, I see that a lot of people find this blog from a Google search. They also seem to go straight to my post labeled "first bite syndrome is a b*tch." (Boy, how glad am I that I didn't spell that word correctly?) =P One person googled and instead went to the post labeled "first bite syndrome."

So I googled for "first bite syndrome," and guess what? My "first bite syndrome is a b*tch" post shows up on the first page. (Another hit is my first bite syndrome question on lapbandtalk.com, hee!) Know what this tells me? There is not a lot of info out there on FBS.

It's a shame, too, because if I had to guess, some people mistakenly attribute being too tight when experiencing first bite syndrome. Well, that's only based on some comments I remember reading on lapbandtalk.com, so I could be totally wrong. But regardless, obviously, there are people out there looking for info on this.

So that made me realize I should update my blog on my experiences with it. (By the way, if you want to read any of my posts on FBS, go here: http://jenniferx-journeytohealth.blogspot.com/search/label/first%20bite%20syndrome)

The short answer is... I basically don't get FBS anymore! Hurray!!

This is totally a pleasant surprise, especially since my restriction is greater now than last fall when I first started experiencing this. I was so afraid that my life would involve me dealing with this for a week every time I got a fill.

Now, I said "basically" above because I think I may have experienced FBS on a couple occasions. But they were probably more likely due to me eating too quickly because I was hungry. Heck, I don't have to make sure I drink something warm and wait 10 minutes before eating, either. However, if I am naturally tighter (from my cycle, usually), I will try and drink something warm first, but that's more to make enough room (for a bandster) instead of trying to avoid FBS.

Needless to say, I am very grateful that this is basically a non-issue at this point. I hope it never comes back, but I won't assume it'll stay away forever. As I've learned in these last 10 months (egad, has it really been 10 months already??) my body is constantly surprising me and making me learn new things about itself.

sixth fill, reunion, "pretty"

2009-05-04T15:05:00.000-07:00

I kept my fill appointment for today that was postponed from last week. I'm glad I did. I got 0.25 cc put in.

Like I wrote on Tuesday of last week, I could feel the natural tightness begin to wear off. But even still, it was never too bad this weekend. I fought head hunger (and lost a little) yesterday, but I wouldn't be surprised if some of that was "last dinner" sort of mentality before a fill. =P

I couldn't actually feel that much of a difference with the 0.25 cc fill, but I decided to keep it at that level just in case. After that whole episode last December, I'm too worried to get too big of a fill this close to the sweet spot. I will rely on patience and time to noticed a difference. If I don't notice a difference by Thursday night, I'll see if I can go in on Friday or early next week.

Beau comes home tonight, hurrah! I had a great time at the reunion/party on Saturday, but I also terribly miss Beau. I just didn't sleep well without him. That didn't used to be a problem for me (sleeping comfortably without Beau), but I guess it is now.

The party was a lot of fun! There were some people there I wasn't expecting to see, and some I hadn't thought about in a while. So many of us are local, too, so why don't we get together more often?? A few of us mentioned that we should get the Monday night potlucks going again like we did 20 years ago and I think that's a splendid idea. I'll make sure one of us does something about that at least.

I tell ya, though, I know darn well my confidence was higher than it would have been 60+ pounds ago! My parents were at the party, too, and my Mom told me every time someone mentioned to her how beautiful I look. Whereas I appreciate the comments and my Mom telling me that, I always feel self conscious when I hear it. Part (okay, a lot) of it is because most of the people who say it are our family friends from church... and they are always the "adults" (parents of people my age). This was always the case for me growing up... people's parents would say I was pretty, but the boys never did! How in the world is a self-conscious, low self esteemed girl ever going to believe that if no boys tell her that or ask her out on a date, huh??

Luckily, my self esteem is higher now than when I was 15 so I'm a little less likely to just "poo-poo" (sp?) those comments and dismiss them. But I still have a hard time processing the information. Also, I think most of the people who made comments to my Mom or me that night knew about my surgery (that is, they are part of our close circle of friends from our church friends), so there's a part of me that just counts it toward the weight loss.

Okay, as I re-read this, I realize it sounds like I have no self esteem and dismissed all the comments, but that's not actually true. I think I'm pretty, but I also think I'm average looking, not "gorgeous." And I really do appreciate the comments, but it's still a little hard to process and store. One thing I do know is that relative to myself, I do a better job of making myself look the best I can be now than I ever did in high school or college (and that's even considering for bad, dated clothing of the 80s and 90s!). So I guess I have that going for me. ;)

How are you?

posting four days in a row! (aka shoes!)

2009-04-30T15:02:00.001-07:00

Wow, posting four days in a row, what has become of me? ;)

I'm wearing some shoes I bought a couple years ago that are totally adorable. They're made from a UK company called Camper and they are one of the varieties in the "twins" collection. That means the shoes go together, but they aren't identical. They're fraternal twins.

I love them... even though they are just slightly too short for me. I'd getter a bigger size except they don't make these any bigger.

I kept them anyway figuring I could wear them on days when I won't walk much. I'm wearing them today with a cute below the knee paneled denim skirt (so cute!) and I dare say they look smashing together.

A couple observations:

I desperately need a tan on my legs. I never wore shorts, only capris, once I got over a certain weight, so my legs have lost any color they used to have. This will change this summer, oh yes it will.
These shoes don't seem nearly as small as they used to.

I don't know what it is about the shoes, to be honest. Maybe they stretched since last summer, or maybe they were never as tight as previously thought.

Or maybe... naaaaaah.

Well, do you think? Is it even possible? Could my feet have gone down a half size since losing 60 pounds?

It seems ridiculous to me, really. My feet never showed excess weight, so if there was any, it certainly wasn't obvious. Besides, the shoes weren't too small around, they were too short. As in, my big toe would hit a hard wall in the front of the shoe.

I wouldn't say these shoes are totally comfortable or that I could do a lot of mall walking in them, but doing regular work stuff and running errands at lunch feels fine. I have no desire to take off the shoes while sitting at my desk. I'm so excited!

The real test will be what happens the next time I wear them. Was today a fluke? Only time will tell. But I hope not, and I hope I get to wear these shoes more often this year!

(I should give credit to the woman I don't even know who loves her Camper twin shoes as much as I do since I stole the image from her Flickr account. You can find her Flickr account here.)

optimism and reunion

2009-04-29T10:24:00.001-07:00

It's funny how my optimism for reaching my ultimate weight loss goal is affected by my weekly weigh-in. ;) This past week I feel like I finally broke through my recent plateau. I feel good about joining the gym and actually going again. Feel good about doing weights again, etc. I feel like I'm sending my body the signals it needs to know it's really okay to get past my current weight that I've been at So. Many. Times. Before.

I really like that my weight loss ticker shows my weight loss in the 60s. Yay, the 60 pound mark! It finally occurred to me that I'm almost 2/3 of the way to my ultimate weight loss goal. Wow! And not only that, I'm definitely a few pounds under my first goal. I like that instead of being just at or near it like I have been for a couple months. I still don't know if I'll ever get to the ultimate weight, so for now I'm just focusing on the next mini-goal, to get into onederland! ("Oh-nee-der-land" if you ever watched the movie That Thing You Do! heeheehee)

On Saturday, I'm going to see a bunch of people I haven't seen in 20-23 years. (First of all, how is it even possible that I'm old enough for that to be possible in the first place?!) I'm super excited, you have no idea. It's not a high school reunion technically, but for all intents and purposes, it kind of is. These are people who had a very positive influence on my early teenage years, and for them and our group, I'm very thankful.

But thinking about this reunion with respect to my current weight loss is kind of weird. On the one hand, I'm thinking oh yay I've lost a lot of weight recently! As if I'd be expecting some comments on how great I look. But on the other hand... the last time a lot of these people saw me, I was essentially skinny. I had my "spare tire" below my waist, but as I look back at pictures, it wasn't nearly as big as I thought then. (Of course, isn't that how it is?) So if you go on relative terms... I just look a little bit bigger than I did back then.

But that's okay, I'm fairly happy with how I look now, even if I'm not "skinny." I'm thin enough, even if not perfect, and hopefully my confidence will reflect these feelings. That always helps you look better, heh. The one thing I know I definitely have going for me is that my hair looks so much better now than then, hahahaha! I'll be vain about that then. ;)

The only disappointing part about this reunion on Saturday is that Beau won't be able to make it. He is visiting his family, as we had originally planned. That means I will be missing the trip to visit his family this spring, but I wouldn't miss this reunion for the world. Luckily for me, he totally understands that. I just wish he could meet all these people and vice versa.

already loosening up, of course

2009-04-28T11:14:00.000-07:00

Well, I can already tell my restriction is going away. How sad is that? Maybe I should have gone in yesterday for my fill anyway. Sigh.

I could practically feel my stoma loosening this morning at 10:30 as my stomach was growling noisily during my 10 am meeting. Fun! It almost felt as if now that the stoma was loosening, there was less pressure on that nerve that tells my brain I'm full and happy, so instead there were messages going to my brain of "oh noes! need fud!"

Heh.

Well, my goal is to try and be dilligent until Monday when I can get my next fill. I have some challenges between now and then, but they are mostly relatively minor. Luckily, I should have enough time to exercise in there, so hopefully that will help.

My daily weight went down again this morning. I know damn well it will go up at least a pound before tomorrow's official weigh-in day. Just watch. It's what my body does. Like it knoooooows or something... ;)

So, all in all I'm still good. Taking this all in stride. Trying to "test" myself between now and Monday to show I can battle some of my demons with a little less help from the band if need be.

natural fluctuations in tightness

2009-04-27T22:01:00.000-07:00

Last week I made an appointment to get a fill this morning. I was really looking forward to it and was happy to get restriction again.

Of course, I started to get naturally tighter around noon on Friday. =P By Saturday, I was a very happy level of tight!

I know most women get tighter when they're on their period, but that doesn't happen with me. This was the very last couple days of my period and I'm still fairly tight as I start the first week of my pills, so whatever. I'm looking back on my spreadsheet where I keep track of all this, and I'm not 100% sure I can find a regular pattern to when I get naturally tight, but it's possible that it could be at this usual time: the very end of my period and the beginning of Week One of my pill pack. I need more months of data to know more confidently.

Anyway, I decided to postpone my appointment until next week. If I had to guess, this tightness will wear off by Monday next week and I'll want a fill again. I'd rather get a fill when I'm naturally loose or "average" and not "tight." Yes, I know that means that after my fill and during my next naturally tight part of my cycle I'll probably be very tight, but I'm really okay with that. If that means I have to live on my green smoothies and protein drinks during that time, then so be it. I'll be eating healthy and losing more weight. As you can guess, I'm just fine with that. =)

The gym is going well so far. I had a really good weight training workout last week. I was the good kind of sore for a few days and loved it. I ended up working from home today so I could go to the doc's office, so I decided to take advantage of that and attend the pilates class at 6:00 pm at my gym. Usually, I don't get home from work in time for a 6 pm class.

Too bad for me the class actually starts at 5:30.

CRAP.

I was so mad at myself. I totally had time to get there at 5:30, too. I was wasting time until it was time to go, so I could have been there earlier. That's what I get for relying on my memory instead of looking up the time again. I even remembered to bring my pilates mat. Grr!!

So I went on the treadmill instead. I intended to do 30 minutes, but I was in a kind of foul mood, so I ended up only doing 22. But hey, I ran for 5 minutes of that! All in one go, too. I could have done more intervals of running, physically speaking, but my mood didn't really allow for it. ;)

But hey, I'll work from home again this coming Monday so I can get my fill, so I will go to the pilates class that day, too. Also, Beau is flying home to see his family this weekend and I'm no longer going (so I can attend an impromptu reunion going on this weekend that I wouldn't miss for the world), so that means I can go to the pilates class on Friday after work without worrying about messing up any date plans. Heck, I may even get my ass out of bed before 8 am on Saturday for the "yogilates" class. Well, we'll see. ;)

I think the gym and the weight training was just what I needed to break this plateau. (Well, that and to lose the excess water during my period like usual.) I am about 4 pounds below my first mini goal instead of being right around it (220). The 220 weight is a weight I've been at multiple times in my life since college. I think there's a real possibility my body has gotten used to that weight and "likes" it. So getting below it took some drastic measures (weight training). Getting tight this weekend has also helped. I can't wait until my official weigh-in on Wednesday morning! Although, with just my luck, I will have gained back a bunch of water by then. =P

All in all, band life is good right now. I was even able to enjoy a bunch of birthday desserts and still lose weight. ;)

Wow, 4 weeks already?

2009-04-21T19:05:00.000-07:00

Forgive me readers for it has been 4 weeks since my last blog entry.

Wow, time flies when you're... I dunno, what have I been doing lately anyway? One thing's for sure and that's that I'm eating too many calories and carbs to lose weight. Well, technically, I've lost two pounds... but in 4 weeks? Whoop-de-doo.

There were times in there where my restriction was decent, but I grazed some. I went away for a bonding weekend with my sister and I let myself eat some of the desserts on offer and now I wish I had shown more restraint. My behavior has made me a carb addict again, argh!

And now, my restriction is practically non-existent. I'm also noticing that I'm getting "food panicky" again. I just coined that phrase, but I've alluded to it before in this blog. I know this means it's time for another fill, but have I called the doctor's office yet? (That's a rhetorical question.) Maybe posting about it here will make me an honest woman and so I'll call tomorrow and make an appointment for next week.

There's some good news, though. I've been longingly eyeing the group class schedule at my local YMCA for several months now (since we took the tour last December) and I finally realized that I really want to join even though it's an expensive gym and I can use Beau's work gym for free.

The thing is, the Y has this Fitlinxx system that tracks the weights (and other exercise) you do. You log into each weight machine and it reminds you what settings you use (the height of the chair or back rest, the weight, etc.) and it makes sure you do all the complete reps and sets you said you want to do. It's pretty cool! So I knew I wanted to do that, too.

Once I realized how much I was longingly looking at the Y online and for how long, I knew that meant I really wanted to join and it wasn't some passing fancy. So I just joined last week, and I got set up on the Fitlinxx system on Thursday.

So, at least there's that. After I finish up this here blog, I will go upstairs and change clothes so I can go do some weights. This will be good. My body needs this. I know I've been losing muscle mass and I don't like that. I also don't like how that negatively affects my metabolism! I need every bit of help I can get at this point.

So, there you go. I need to work on the food-panicky bit so it doesn't overwhelm or depress me, and I need to call the doc's office to make another appointment. Having the fill will help with the food-panicky bits, but gosh, those old feelings of "I should be able to do this on my own!" still kick in. Sigh.

well, that was fun

2009-03-25T15:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was full of "good" and "bad." (I know those terms aren't the best to use, but damn, they're convenient.)

The "bad:" I was a major stressbasket about work as it really hits me how much work I have to do in the next month and a half. There are several deadlines in there, the first of which is March 30. I was working from home, but I was a spaz. And I slipped back into old bad habits... stress eating!

What's more enjoyable and less stressful than stressful work? (Say it with me now...) Food! hahahaha. Okay, it's only temporarily enjoyable, I know that. But it is what it is.

The weird thing was that I was very consciously grazing and eating all day. I knew darn well what I was doing and I decided I didn't care enough to stop. It wasn't quite mindful eating, but it was close.

But there are some silver linings!
1) The food I was eating was either healthy or nutrient rich for the most part (okay, except for the ice cream at night). I grazed on a chick pea salad and almonds and other protein rich snacks. I also still had my green smoothie.
2) At the end of the day, I didn't eat all that many extra calories. I mean, it could have been a lot worse. I feel confident to say that were I not banded, it definitely would have been a lot worse.

The "good" from yesterday: In addition the silver linings from the grazing all day, I also went to the gym at Beau's work. Hurray gym time! I've never been there before and I've been avoiding it for a couple months since I'm not familiar with the place. I just have to get over that initial uncomfortable feeling of infamiliarity, so we took care of that last night. We didn't stay very long, but it was something. (Beau didn't warm up properly before doing weights and strained his tendons a little. Ouch! Poor guy.) I decided to get on a treadmill, and if I had time, I'd also do some weights.

I only had time for the treadmill (without making Beau wait for me for awhile), but there were some positive improvements there. I was on it for 22 minutes, and I ran for 9 of those! People, for me this is huge. I hate running. With a passion usually reserved for more important things. Not only did I run, but I ran at 5.0 MPH instead of the 4.8 I used to do when I tried this a year ago at my pre-band weight.

I ran in intervals and my first interval was my longest ever since I started attempting to run: 5 minutes. Then I did two 2-minute intervals after that. I'm so proud of myself. In fact... well, heck, I don't want to make any promises, but... heck, I might even do this running thing a little bit more. Dare I... I dunno... try it in my neighborhood??

I've learned there are pros and cons to losing this much weight:
Pros: You've lost weight, hurrah!
It takes more exertion to get your heartrate up, hurrah!

Cons: It takes more exertion to get your heartrate up, boo!

Hahaha, I crack myself up. =)

Luckily, the stress eating seemed to only last for one day and I'm doing fine so far today. It also helps that I got a lot of little items checked off my todo list yesterday, so I'm not quite as stressed out as before. (Don't worry, I still have plenty of work to do.)

PMS

2009-03-23T12:13:00.000-07:00

I have several online presences, but this is the only one that's somewhat anonymous. People I know read this blog, but only people I've explicitly informed about this blog. And heck, I think most of those people don't even read it! Which is fine, really, just an observation. But with my other places on the Intertubes, I'm exposed more and more to additional people. Don't even get me started on Facebook. That place is just a big conglomeration of my various worlds colliding. High school friends, college friends, my "crazy Internet friends," friends from jobs, coworkers, in-laws, friends from church, etc.

When I first got online and reached out to strangers online over 14 years ago (holy crap, how has it been that long?!), this group of people became my "crazy Internet friends." We still keep in touch even though we live all over the world. I was myself with them, sure, but it's not my whole self, ya know? I'm never untrue to myself (I just can't do that), but I do share different parts of me in different places. Those parts overlap mostly, but not completely. Anyway, as I get exposed to more people than just my "crazy Internet friends," I find myself sharing less and less.

All that is to say this... there are some things I just don't want to share in my other online presences!

Like right now. I'm totally PMSing and I'm just feeling an overall sense of discontentment. And I want to write about this and just vent because it helps me cope. That's all. I don't need words of encouragement, maybe just a nod and a smile. But I don't want to put this on Twitter, let alone Facebook. So, what's left... my weight loss blog, hahaha! Sorry, folks. The five of you that read this, anyway. ;)

I suppose I could make this relate to my weight loss journey somehow. Lessee, I did have a hard time staying away from sweets this weekend, so there's that. But that's not the bulk of what's bothering me. I'm just feeling... unsettled. I'm thinking about things that frustrate me (like having to spend money and time on things I don't want) instead of focusing on the good things (of which there are plenty and I know I'm lucky and blessed).

So yeah, there you go. I was able to post about this and get it off my chest. That alone is a big help to me. Thanks for listening (even if pretending). =}

clothes as a motivator

2009-03-20T09:11:00.000-07:00

One of the mantras I've been telling myself for almost two years as a motivator for losing weight is that I can buy new, but more importantly, beautiful clothes. It's the carrot I've been dangling out there.

Let's face it, my whole life I've been a tomboy. I don't mind that, especially since I'm a slightly feminine one. But I've never been a girlie girl. I don't necessarily want to be a girlie girl now, but I know I want to be more feminine than I am now.

I'm an easy person to go to the mall with because I can only shop in two stores there. It's so sad! I want to be able to go into other stores because I want more options. I resent that all the retailers that sell larger sizes focus on just making the "basics." Listen, we have NO problem finding jeans, t-shirts, and button down dress shirts. Whoop-dee-do.

I want something beautiful and flattering! In lieu of knocking sense into clothing retailers, I'll just have to get into a smaller size so I have increased options.

Right?

Therein lies the real trick. With my 6 foot frame, I'd have to get pretty darn skinny to get into those sizes again. I have no idea how realistic that is. I'm realizing I have no clear memory of what size I was at my skinniest weight at this height. Was I a 16 or an 18? I remember having a hard time finding clothes, but there were fewer options then, right? Surely it'll be easier 17 years later, right?

The other complication related to trying to remember my size back then is that I was even more self conscious about clothes clinging to my body such that it's possible I was wearing clothes one size too big. Or maybe I wasn't. I just don't know! I also don't know how much I weighed or what size I wore when I graduated college. I had been slowly gaining weight for a little over a year, but I don't know how much.

Currently, I'm about a size 20 according to Lands End, Eddie Bauer, and Lane Bryant. And I know that historically, 20-25 pounds is another size for me. So to get to what is my ultimate goal weight (according to the ticker in this blog), I would theoretically be a size 16. My ultimate goal weight is 10 pounds less than my skinniest weight at this height.

But I was looking at some online retailers that I'd like to be able patronize again and looked at their sizing charts. Bad move! Or maybe it was smart because I need the reality check. For Lands End and Eddie Bauer (who offer both regular and plus size sizes), the 18W is much bigger than the 18 regular. DOH!! So whereas I think of myself as being a 20, I'm really only a 20 in the large sizes. Not only do I need to get down to a size 16, I would need to get down to a size 16 regular. OUCH! What a blow!

Can I do it? I have no idea. Obviously, I must have been wearing regular sizes back in college, so maybe I can. The one thing that possibly gives me hope is the possibility that as I get smaller, it won't take 20-25 pounds to go down a size. Maybe it'll "only" take 15 pounds eventually.

Whatever size I end up is the size I end up. But I have to come to terms now with the distinct possibility that I will still be stuck shopping at Lane Bryant. I still might not be able to shop at J. Crew or White House Black Market or Ann Taylor or whatever. Not that I would shop there all the time (they're expensive!), but I want to be able to shop there. That's what I want.

vitamins and stuff

2009-03-18T10:27:00.000-07:00

My sister called me on Sunday to say she was feeling really out of it and tired like she constantly needed a nap. She didn't trust herself to drive because she felt like how she usually does after one and a half drinks. She felt confident that it must be some sort of vitamin deficiency and I mentioned again that she probably needs B12. She said her multi had some, I said she needs more, like a "megadose."

Luckily, her husband is a hobby pharmacist because of all the research they have to do for their son on the autism spectrum. They give him all sorts of supplements (and some prescribed meds), so they have lots of stuff in the house.

They had some sublingal (goes under the tongue and gets absorbed directly into the bloodstream) B12 and she took some. She said she felt the benefit of the B12 almost instanteously, like, within a minute or two. Wow! I can tell you that when I take my megadose of B12 (crystals that I put into a drink) I don't feel such a marked improvement. The packets are actually labeled as an "energy" supplement, but the only time I feel like they help my energy levels is if I stop taking them after several days and become deficient.

She serendipitously had an appointment yesterday with her son's main autism-related doctor. This doc talks about and knows a lot about vitamins and other supplements. She explained to my sister and brother in law about how getting B12 directly into the bloodstream (which usually means doing it sublingally) is better than taking it orally. I got the impression "better" meant it's more biologically available. So whereas I'm not deficient in B12 because at least I take a megadose everyday, it's possible not the entire megadose is getting absorbed by my body.

Anyway, that's a long way of saying that I'm going to try their sublingal B12 the next time I go over. I'm also going to take more notes on the other types of vitamins and supplements this doc recommends because I'm curious. We may not be autistic, but that doesn't mean we can't benefit from different antioxidant supplements and other supplements, ya know?

Restriction still seems to be pretty good. I'm having a relatively easy time keeping my calories down and getting my nutrition and eating what I want. I should probably drink more water, though. I've gotten a little bit lazy about that.

Beau and I are finally going to the gym at his work tonight! Okay, he's been and he even saw a personal trainer (because he gets a $100 bonus incentive if he does, hahaha), but I haven't gone with him yet. The nice thing is that the gym stays open until 1 AM on weeknights! Okay, so I don't want to go at midnight, but I like knowing that the gym doesn't close at 10 am and starts kicking people out at 9:45 like so many do. The bummer thing is that it's several miles from our house, but hey, it's basically free for both of us, so I can't really complain. =) It'll be good to see what's there.

I only had a small loss this past week (down 0.2!), which is about what I expected since I think last week's weigh-in day weight was a little low. I'm happy.

I have another post in me about clothes, but I'll save that for later. I have to get some work done!

that was definitely a normal fluctuation

2009-03-11T10:28:00.001-07:00

Remember that really good tightness I felt over the weekend? Yeah, definitely a fluke. Well, not a fluke, but a normal and natural fluctuation in my body. It was just made even tighter because of the fill I had a week before.

I'm back to my previous normal restriction levels. They're okay as long as I "be good" and do what I know I should do. That was going fine at first, but then got more difficult when I went to my book club meeting where all we do is eat food and chat (and sometimes chat about the book for 15 minutes if we're lucky!).

But the nice thing about having a slightly high weigh-in day a week ago (I knew the number was a little high) and having such great restriction over the weekend is that today's weight for weigh-in day is freaking awesome! Down 4.8 pounds in a week. Ha. Although, I think today's weight is a smidge low, so I don't know what will happen next week. I'm not getting my hopes up, that's for sure.

I think I want to wait out the rest of my cycle and continue to take notes to see how it affects my restriction. I'll wait until at least then to see if I want another 0.25 cc fill or not.

I'm sick now, and part of me was hoping it would make me tighter, but it seems to have no affect. Well, darn.

fifth fill

2009-03-08T22:37:00.000-07:00

I keep on meaning to blog more often, and then laziness takes over. I also worry that no one really wants to read what I have to say, so why bother? I know I do this for me primarily, but I also put pressure on myself. ;)

This will be short because I want to get to bed at a decent hour. (Famous last words.)

I had my fifth fill two Thursdays ago, 2/26/2009. I had done the first few days of the 5DPT test, but was struggling a little bit. I finally decided I did, indeed, need a small fill.

Based on my last fill and how I didn't do so well with a full cc, I knew this would be a small fill, about 0.5 cc. Well, long story short, we only put in 0.25 cc! What I was sure of at the time is if I felt tight because it was first thing in the morning, or if 0.25 was really all I needed. Dr. McKeen said if it isn't enough, come back next week and we'll adjust it, no worries.

I remembered from my last fill that I had to be patient and have faith that it would work. I knew I had to give my body 2-3 days to really know it got an adjustment. i was dancing with doubt, but then sure enough, early next week, restriction felt about right.

In fact, starting about Thursday last week, restriction was great! And on Friday through today, it was still really great! In fact... it was borderline too tight.

I can drink liquids no problem, but I can barely eat any solids. I mean, I can eat them, but I eat so little before I get full. I know that our bodies naturally fluctuate, so I'm guessing this is a temporary situation. I'm taking notes and paying attention. If I can't eat much more after another week, I'll call the doc. But I'm getting in the nutrition I need, so I'm not worried. In fact, I'm enjoying eat fewer calories than I have in a long time and losing more weight! I really needed this after my almost plateau in January and February.

(You can't tell I've lost more weight based on my weight loss chart because my last weigh-in number was "abnormally high," so to speak. Heh. I can't wait for my next weigh-in, the number should be great!)

I'm also just barely beginning to get sick, so I wonder if that's helping me feel slightly tighter. Tough to say. I don't have that much post nasal drip (which is shocking for me, actually), but maybe just fighting off something will make you a little bit tighter? But then again, I'm not *that* sick just yet. Early days still. Oh, and also, I could eat a little bit more today than this weekend.

I hope all is well with y'all out there!

things for which to be thankful

2009-02-20T14:47:00.000-08:00

Last night I was reading through the blog I used when I was planning our wedding. I hadn't read through it since the wedding almost 4 years ago. I am so glad I wrote all that stuff down somewhere! Most of it was kind of organized into a task list and the current status of each task on the list. I really became a sort of project manager working on our wedding. I liked it, but not to the point where I'd want to be a project manager as a profession. I liked doing it for the wedding because it was all for something fun--our wedding!--and I only had to rely on me and Beau for the most part. I had to rely on a few other people and vendors, but if someone didn't come through, I just moved onto something else because I had that luxury. You don't usually get that luxury when you're dealing with coworkers.

ANYway.

I was reminded of a few things rereading my wedding blog:

I was a pretty "with it" sort of bride, if I may say so myself. Sure, I'd get stressed, but I kept things mostly under control. I had two relatively big bridezilla moments, but one of those is kind of debatable. Anyway, I'm proud of myself! (Did I mention I'm humble, too?)
I used to get really frustrated at how difficult it was for me to stay away from food, even when I had a huge motivating factor, like having to wear a white dress in front everybody. I knew I needed/wanted to lose weight, but every day was a struggle. Every hour.

As I was reading through some of my comments about how I resented being a slave to my hunger and desires, I remembered that it was always like that for me. That time before the wedding wasn't anything new. No, I just had a record of it. And I became SO grateful last night as I realized that I have not felt like that since the lap band surgery last year!

Yes, I battle head hunger every now and then. Yes, my weight loss rate seems to be stalling right now. But... that's nothing like how it used to be. I remember sheer frustration because I wanted to want to eat less, but didn't. I remember desperately wanting to not feel like a slave to food. But even when I battle head hunger, it's not as big of a deal. It's nothing like before.

I no longer feel like an alcoholic who is told that she HAS to drink 2 alcoholic drinks per day to survive, but NO more.

And really? That is the most freeing sort of feeling I've felt in a loooong time.

I had lunch with girlfriends/coworkers today and I mentioned to one of them that I had breast reduction surgery when I was 19 years old. And then I said what I always say after I mention the breast reduction surgery: "Best thing I ever did for myself."

And I suddenly had to modify that statement! "No wait, I guess now it's the second best thing I ever did for myself!" The lap band surgery definitely outweighs the breast reduction surgery. But boy am I glad I was able to do both. =)

So hopefully this will all give me a renewed sense of drive to help me break through this plateau. Between this, starting the 5DPT on Monday, and having a dr's appointment on Thursday, I expect really good things coming up.

P.S. Did I mention that I finally did some crunches two nights ago?? My abs are sore, but the goooood kind of sore. I am going to try and make this a regular nightly event for me. It's been way too long. Besides, I know my back will benefit from stronger abs.

5DPT and my next appointment

2009-02-20T14:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I worked from home. I had been debating whether or not to call Dr. McKeen to make a fill appointment. I was leaning toward waiting until after I do the 5DPT (5 Day Pouch Test, for those who missed the previous post about this) so I can feel more confident about whether or not I need another fill. And Chrys had asked me to do the 5DPT with her, so I thought I should wait. Right?

Well, good thing I was working from home because just before I went for an afternoon walking break, I got a call from Dr. McKeen's office. I smiled at the universe when I saw his caller ID on my phone.

They were just calling to see how I was doing since my last appointment which was just before the holidays. Do I need another? Do I just need to meet with the doc to touch base?

"Funny you should ask..."

I said I wasn't sure if I needed a fill or just needed to break my carb addiction. She knew what I meant, and I said I should probably come in, even if I don't end up getting a fill. So, I have my next appointment on this coming Thursday. I figured better safe than sorry.

I'll still start the 5DPT with Chrys. We plan to start on Monday. Even if I get a fill on Thursday, it'll still be good. I'll just go back to liquids again on Thursday if he ends up giving me a fill.

I just had a realization... I haven't had any sweets today (and frankly, barely any carbs, either). I may be craving a little something sweet right now, but it's not the omigodgivemedessert kind of desire. I take this as a step in the right direction. I feel a little more in control. A little. ;)

(I have another post coming up, stay tuned...)

two posts in one day! (aka fill time)

2009-02-18T21:01:00.000-08:00

I know, I know, I got from 3 weeks without posting to multiple posts in one day. I never claimed to be consistent.

I think it's time for another fill. I first noticed this a few weeks ago, but I also wasn't sure how much of what I was feeling was truly needing a fill and how much was eating around the band.

I had a big deadline at work at the end of last week, and thank God that's over. I've been pretty lucky with this job because it's almost never stressful like my previous two jobs were. So when it does get stressful right before a deadline like this, well, it threw me for a loop this time.

Anyway, that's all to say I was stress eating. (shocker) I did my fair bit of grazing and eating more and more carbs. I can see the carb addiction and it's not pretty. Chrysalis was blogging about doing the 5 Day Pouch Test (http://www.5daypouchtest.com) and I knew I needed to do it, too. She sent me the link so now I know how to do it!

But...

You can see where this is going...

I haven't started it.

My first excuse was that I wanted to wait until my deadline was past. But then my next excuse was I was nearing the end of my cycle, and I wanted to see how that would affect my restriction. I think it affects my restriction, but it hasn't done so consistently yet. The scientist in me wants to keep track of that and be a very keen observer.

Luckily for me, sure enough, on Saturday last weekend I woke up with great restriction! It was as if I had a fill the day before. Night and day. I was all excited because I was hoping it would last for a few days. It last a couple days, maybe a few. I don't feel totally open right now, but I don't feel as tight as over the weekend.

I still want to do the 5DPT, but I still think I need a fill as well. I can eat too much at one sitting, and I don't feel satiated for all that long. I think about food way too often, and I'm having a hard time battling head hunger.

But going back to my previous post tonight about denial... am I avoiding doing the 5DPT or calling the fill doc because the part of me that has the dysfunctional relationship with food doesn't want to give up my current lifestyle of eating yummy food? I think it's very possible that monster might be back for the time being. It's very hard to combat. On the one hand, I want food! Yummy food! Food in decent quantities! But on the other hand, I want to lose weight. And I want to remember what it feels like to feel emotionally satisified with less food. I remember a time when I could just wait 10-15 minutes after being physically full that the emotional satisfaction from eating would catch up. And it was at that point I would be happy with the small quantity I just ate and not have a care in the world.

I know I've felt that before, and I know I want it again... but I think there's this part of me that's worried I won't get there again. I recognize this fear because I had it in the weeks leading up to my surgery. I just need the rational part of me brain to convince the irrational part to STFU. ;) ("STFU" = "be quiet")

I forget where I was going with this current babbling, so I'll just stop here.

How are you? How y'all doing? If you feel like dropping me a note to say hi, well, I wouldn't object. ;)

false starts, denial

2009-02-18T20:40:00.000-08:00

Every so often I think I should post here, but then don't for whatever reason. Is it because I'm incapable of writing short posts and don't want to spend the time, or is it because it means I have to face some realities of the situation that I don't want to talk about? Or do I think no one really cares what I have to babble on about so why bother typing it out?

Maybe a little of all of the above? Knowing me, that's probably it.

I mentioned in my last post that I had a post in me about being in denial. Denial (not the river in Egypt, ba-dump-bump) is a funny creature. I've been in denial about my true size my entire life, but in different ways. Growing up and until I don't know when exactly, I thought I was bigger than I really was. That's not so unusual, I know most people with body issues are like this. I remember in college thinking I was "fat" and that losing 20 pounds would be damn near impossible (remember, I am 6 feet tall, so 20 pounds on that frame is nothing). But dang, I look back at those pictures in college and I looked pretty good! Not perfect, but pretty good.

I started gaining weight when I stopped growing taller, shortly before my 22nd birthday. Yes, that old. I knew I had started to gain weight, but I hadn't changed my eating or exercise habits, so I thought if I just ignored the situation, the weight gain would stop being an issue. Well, you can guess how well that turned out.

But at some point, I got a lot heavier than ever before, but I more or less stopped being alarmed by it. I knew, intellectually, how much I weighed, but I... I guess I stopped getting freaked out about what that number really meant in terms of size and the health implications. I was stressed out about the weight, but I think that somehow, deep down, I began to convince myself that it wasn't so bad after all.

I think part of the problem was that I had more important things to worry about. (A relationship with my DH! A pretty stressful job that flew me cross country once a month!) And I wonder if by this time, I had been pretty large long enough in my life that it was becoming "the norm." I had been seeing this very large size for a while now that I was getting used to it. I had a hard time fathoming being smaller.

At my highest weight, I knew something was wrong with my perception. My subsconscious knew darn well that it didn't want its picture taken, but somehow I thought I looked "okay." Every so often I'd catch a glimpse of myself in a picture or in the reflection of a store window and I'd be positively perplexed by who that huge person was. It wasn't just my width, it was my height as well. Being tall just made me feel even bigger.

Maybe my denial at the other end of the spectrum was a coping mechanism to prevent major depression or something else, who knows. Doesn't matter. The point is, I was way off from reality.

But now, I think I'm getting closer to seeing me for whom I really am. I'm still big, but I'm not massive. I'm a manageable big, I guess. But sometimes I think I'm the same size I was 50 pounds ago (or God forbid, 60 pounds ago when I was my highest ever). I know that's not physically possible, but it does reinforce the notion that when I was that big, I was in denial about just how big I was. I thought I looked closer to my current size.

I hope with maturity, experience, intelligence, and exposure that I'll be able to retain a more realistic view of my health and size. I don't like it being out of whack.

procastination (oh, and a closet purge)

2009-01-30T14:21:00.000-08:00

I have a pretty big deadline at work coming up (actually two different deadlines, both related to each other) so that means... time for procrastinating with a blog post!!!

If you've read some of my earlier posts, you know that my sister is losing weight with the lap band, too. She started off a bigger size than me, so she made me promise her all of my old clothes once they're too big for me. No problem, most of my clothes aren't really appropriate for being taken in.

I had packed away some of the clothes that were too big already, but I had been keeping around a bunch of them because I just like some of the items. I must have been hoping I could still get away with wearing them anyway. In particular, I want to be able to wear one of the many button down 3/4 length sleeve shirts from Land's End because they are so handy. They're a little dressier than just a knit shirt, but I can wear them untucked with either black pants or jeans. They're very versatile.

But I finally admitted to myself last night that I just don't wear them, even though they're in the coveted place in my closet. I made the tough emotional decision to pack them away so my sister can use them eventually.

The decision was hard at first, but once I started, it was easy to toss out all sorts of clothes! It was almost refreshing. The best part is how much empty space there is in my closet right now. =) On the other hand, I see all this empty space and I just want to fill it with new clothes. Sigh. If I had a lot of extraneous money I'd buy lots of clothes in my current size. But I don't have that much extra money, so I'm only buying a few things, and only if really necessary and/or on massive sale. Really necessasry: new jeans that are long enough. Massive sale: 3 shirts from Land's End for $45 (plus shipping and handling, but ah well).

I have another post in my head about perception and being in denial, but I'll save that for later.

50 pound mark!

2009-01-28T10:09:00.001-08:00

OMIGOD, I'm so excited! Today is my official weigh-in day for the week and as of today's weight, I am down over 50 pounds since my pre-surgery diet!

You know I weigh myself everyday, but I try not to concentrate or worry about the numbers the other days of the week. Yesterday's weight went down a little, so I was convinced that my official weigh-in weight would go up. I wasn't expecting to hit the 50 pound mark today, so I didn't get excited yesterday. Imagine my surprise this morning when the number went down again!

I guess this is largely due to a couple things: 1) really good restriction over the weekend and early week, and 2) I must have been retaining more water than I realized.

As excited as I am, I realize I can't get too cocky. The more weight I lose, the harder it will be for me to lose weight. Chrysalis is a good example of this. She is thisclose to the 100 pound mark and she's struggling with that last fraction of a pound. And she is much better about exercising than me!

Beau has a new job that has a fitness facility. It's at a different location than his main office, but it's not too far away for him. The nice thing about it is that I can get a fitness pass for it, too, for $40 for the year. He's going to check it out tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes. Maybe that'll become my gym. I think I can stop by there on the train on my way home from work. If nothing else, I can certainly train home the whole and then drive back to it. It's not too far...

good restriction is back

2009-01-27T12:35:00.000-08:00

Starting this past Saturday, I had excellent restriction. No, I didn't get a fill. I woke up and all of the sudden, I could barely eat anything and I was satisfied. It's been great!

I expected that to happen during the week before because that's when I felt better restriction, cycle-wise, for my last cycle. Well, at least I thought that's when I did. Now I'm beginning to doubt myself. I keep a spreadsheet of what I eat everyday, including the supplements I take. I also keep track of my daily weight (without obsessing over it, I still only have one official weigh-in day every week and that's on Wednesdays. The Scientist in me just likes observing how the weight naturally fluctuates with water loss/retention, a woman's cycle, and, um, BMs.).

Now I've decided to also track my cycle and how tight I feel. Man, this is becoming one complicated spreadsheet! Although, luckily, the food record and weekly official weight is on a different worksheet than the daily weight and cycle record.

I guess it never ceases to amaze me that it's all still a learning process. I'm still learning about my body, even after 6 months. Okay, now that I write that out, it seems so obvious because 6 months seems so short! But I guess I just get impatient sometimes and just expect myself to have it all figured out by now. I don't handle being a "rookie" very well! ;)

In other good news, I finally had to order a new pair of jeans. FROM THE TALL SECTION. I'm so excited, it's not even funny. My chiropractor told me yesterday it's time to get a new pair of jeans, and these were the ones I wore around the time of my wedding to Beau, so I was already excited to be able to fit into those. But now they're falling down!

Not only that, but today I'm wearing a really cute, short wool skirt that I haven't been able to wear in 8 years. The nice thing about it is that it's almost back in style again, hahaha. I'm wearing it with my black boots and dare I say I may look kinda cute?

But it gets better! I knew my two pair of black boots were getting a little loose on me, but omigosh the pair I'm wearing today are WAY loose. Not so loose that I can't wear them, but it's plainly obvious to me they are loose.

A little over a year ago Beau and I went to London for a vacation, and before we went a friend told me about Duo Boots. They sell dozens of different kinds of boots and each one in multiple calf sizes. Not just "wide" and "extra wide," no. They measure the calf in centimeters and they offer around TEN different calf sizes for each shoe size! I love boots, but I hate that either the only ones that are big enough are ugly, made with fake leather, or way too big in the ankle just to get them to fit around the calf.

Or worse yet, all of the above. =P

So, we went to the store in London and OMIGOD I was in heaven. What was hard at the time was that the U.S. Dollar was the weakest it had been against the British Pound in a long time, so every boot was even more expensive than normal for me, an American. But my Beau is soooo wonderful and he could understand how hard it is for me to find good boots, so he let me order two pair. Have I mentioned lately how much I love him??

So, I ordered two pair of boots that fit me perfectly. And I mean that most literally.

Well, they used to fit me perfectly, now they are slightly big in the calf! I don't care because they still fit better than any other boots I've ever bought, but it's funny to look at them and think, oh, the sales clerk would have made me go down at least two more calf sizes. =)

This is how you know I had given up on losing any substantial amount of weight before I learned about lap band. I bought two pairs of not cheap boots that I knew would basically last me for a decade at least, and I had done a massive closet purge of clothes I really liked but I finally gave up on being able to wear again. (The funny thing about that is that I could probably fit in some of those right now, or at least within a couple months.)

Ah well. I still don't mind. I'm loving this. Here's hoping this restriction stays with me longer than just having my cycle. I don't really want to go back to getting hungry more often and having to debate whether or not to pay for another fill.

File this under "whatever"

2009-01-15T10:26:00.000-08:00

I feel like I should post here, but I don't know why. I actually woke up in a bad mood, so I don't know why I feel compelled to write. Actually, I woke up feeling fine, but by the time I got to my desk at work, I noticed I had absolutely no fuse. The mouse would fall off the mousetray and I'd swear. A completely inocuous email enters my Inbox and I'd sigh heavily and roll my eyes. And let's face it, I probably swore in my head.

So, I don't know. Whatever. It's only a day, right? Thank GOD.

The good news is that Beau and I are flying away for the three day weekend to visit my friend Tracey for her birthday!!! Tracey is the one who introduced Lauren (a reader on here blog who was banded on 12/31/2008) to my blog. I can't wait to see Tracey, but I just wish I didn't have to fly to see her. Because 1) I wish we lived within driving distance of each other so we could see her other more, and 2) the thought of flying stresses me out. Especially to fly into Denver. I hate flying over those Rockies. The air is always turbulent. Remember how stressed I was flying back from my surgery last year? =P

In addition to seeing Tracey for her birthday, I'm also looking forward to possibly being more restricted from flying. hahahaha, what a thing to look forward to. =P I've been losing my struggle against head hunger, so I'd love the restriction for a little bit.

Although, now that I think about it, flying this weekend will help ruin my "experiment" to see if the week before my period helps me feel more restricted. Next week is my week before my period, so the flying will impact my data. =) But that's really okay.

I think after I get back from my trip I'll need to either try the Five Day Pouch Test that Chrysalis did recently, or I'll need to go on a strict low carb diet for a week just to break myself of my carb addiction. Going through carb withdrawal is a real pain in the arse, but once I'm broken of it, life is much easier.

gurgle gurgle gurgle

2009-01-09T15:25:00.001-08:00

Dude, I am legit hungry. I really hope this can be easily fixed by different food choices and that I don't need a fill already.

siiiiigh.

battling head hunger. again.

2009-01-08T16:46:00.000-08:00

Now that my stomach bug woes are past, I have a bigger appetite than I've had for awhile. I'm battling head hunger a lot lately and HH seems to be winning more often than I'd like. =P

For yesterday and the day before, I didn't stress about it because I knew getting some real nutrition in me was more important than "dieting." My body had been so out of whack for a whole week that I needed to give it nutrients. But today... well, I don't think I can use that excuse anymore.

So I need to start being a little more strict again. And I definitely need to exercise again now that I'm not exhausted from being sick. The weather is supposed to be downright spring-like this weekend, so I hope to do a bunch of outdoor exercising. Maybe go for a hike! Maybe go for another bike ride! (The one on Sunday was great, I just wish I wasn't still sick then.)

Also, I'm really wondering again if I get more restriction the week before my period. I had good restriction then the last time, but it was also right before I got sick, so it's hard to say. I'm looking forward to the next time that's the week before my period to see how it goes. Until then, I need to be more committed and vigilant.

Stomach virus is the new weight loss craze!

2009-01-04T11:51:00.000-08:00

Well, I spoke too soon. My stomach bug symptoms came back just a couple hours after posting my previous post. Grrr and argh. It's no wonder some people develop eating disorders around laxatives... having "the runs" is a great way to lose weight! =P

As of yesterday morning, I was down 6 pounds since my Wednesday weigh-in. Yes, I know I will gain a bunch of that back, but I feel fairly confident I won't gain it all back. I have 1 pound back already and I imagine it'll go up again, but regardless, it helped me break into a lower 10-digit range. =)

I'm finally able to eat more food today, which is nice. You know you're sick when you voluntarily eat less than even a bandster eats. Oy. I even had a protein supplement this morning, what a concept! Maybe I'll reach my protein minimum for the day. I don't even want to think about how much muscle I've lost in the last week.

I'm getting a lot closer to being able to go down another size and I'm excited. I can't wait! I'll actuallly be able to justify buying pants... and in the TALL sizes! Eddie Bauer catalog, here I come. I so want to buy some now, but I know better. But patience is haaaard, man. ;)

I'm really noticing the weight loss on me in the mirror, and I'm loving it. Oh, I still see all my usual bulges, especially my upper "spare tire," but the overall size of me is going down. I'm only 10 pounds from the weight when I met Beau and that makes me giddy. (Heck, if I say sick long enough, I'll be there in a couple weeks, oy.)

The only thing I need at this point is for all of my energy to come back so I can be more active and exercise. I've been really drained since NYE and I'm SO done with it. I should be on my bike again tomorrow to get to work, so maybe that will help kick me into gear.

Happy new year!

2009-01-01T21:45:00.000-08:00

I wish for a happy and healthy new year to you and yours!

I've had a good week so far, but a lot different than I originally envisioned. Both Beau and I have the week off from work, so I wanted to either travel somewhere or get projects done around the house. Well, neither happened, but maybe it was for the best. We did end up going to the Monterey Bay Aquarium for a day, so that was nice. I haven't been there in 13 years or so, so it was nice to see all the new additions.

The day after Christmas, Beau was really sick all day with a stomach bug. Actually, a half dozen friends of ours from Christmas Eve all got it, so someone there was a carrier! ;) (What was weird, though, was that it was mostly the 20-something and 30-something folks who got sick. Most of ours parents were fine, which is good since they're getting on in years.) Anyway, I somehow managed to not catch the bug from Beau... until NYE. That's 5 days after Beau got sick, which is a little weird. I'm even wondering if I somehow got the bug somewhere else, but who knows.

That meant I got really dehydrated yesterday and eventually had to go to Urgent Care to get two bags of IV fluids put in me. Whee, fun! =P In all seriousness, though, I'm actually lucky, all things considered, because I never got nauseous and never threw up, which is a big uh-oh and no-no with the band. For all intents and purposes, I haven't thrown up since I was 5 years old. Whenever I get a stomach bug, I get problems, um, at the other end. This time was no different. So I'm thankful to still not throw up, especially now with the band.

Yesterday was my weigh in day, too, and I managed to weigh myself before I lost too much water. I'm recording that as my official weight because I don't think it's too low. Maybe a hair, but not much. But after I lost a lot of water and couldn't replenish enough of it, I weighed myself in the afternoon and I was DOWN 4.2 pounds! Between that and the lightheadedness, I knew it was time to go to Urgent Care. I got the fluids, which was good and I am mostly better now. Yay!

I have gotten kind of lazy about recording my food intake lately. I'm just getting tired of doing it every. single. day. I'm still recording my weight, and I occasionally record my intake, but I know I should be more consistent. I think part of it is being out of my usual routine of working at my computer every day and part of is not wanting to deal with it around the holidays. I suspect I will get consistent again once I start working again next week.

But I've been keeping a kind of mental note of how much I've been eating. I was doing okay up to and including Christmas, if you can believe it. But then the next couple days after Christmas I was eating way too much dips and carbs and food that I should only ever eat in moderation and rarely. (Funny how getting a stomach bug can kick you into eating well again! That is, after the appetite returns.)

So, my goal for next week is to be better again about getting enough protein every day and to be more consistent about writing down what I eat. Oh yeah, and to exercise more. It'll be good to be back on my bike again getting to work. =)

happy holidays!

2008-12-24T10:05:00.000-08:00

Wow, so many holidays to celebrate this week! Solstice, Chanukah, Christmas, and Boxing Day at the very least. Beau and I celebrate Christmas, and Christmas Eve is my most favorite day of the year because of the traditions I grew up with. All of our family friends keep on "threatening" to change the Christmas Eve tradition, and some year they might. But for now, I'm ecstatic to have it and I can't wait for this evening.

There's not much else to report here, really. Things are going well. I'm not as tight as I thought I'd be, but I think it might actually be a good amount. I'm eating some sweet stuff here and there, but it's all relatively small. I'm still losing weight (down one pound this past week), but I suppose the weight loss rate is a little lower than average. But I'm really okay with that because I'm not deprived, I'm happy, and I'm losing weight.

The only thing I could do better is eating more protein. The last few days I haven't drank a protein supplement, so my protein intake has been about 42 grams a day. That might be fine if I were shorter, but for a 6 foot person, I don't think it's quite enough. I'm just not all that excited about the protein supplements I have right now. The Kashi brand chocolate shake is yummy, but it has carbs (and therefore, extra calories) and it's not really what I want right now anyway. And the Nectar one is okay, but I'm getting sick of it.

Ugh... what I *really* like are the protein bullets that I dilute with some water. I get a lot of protein all at once and the taste is great. But they are so dang expensive! And, um, I forgot to buy some with my GNC discount card during the first 7 days of December. So if I want to buy them at a discount, I need to wait until 1/1/2009. Oops.

Lauren, I hope your surgery goes well on NYE! I'm so excited for you. PLEASE feel free to contact me if you have any questions or if you just want to moan to someone. =) Actually, you should email me at my address in this blog so I have your email and then I can give you my phone number in case you want it. Totally your call.

I hope everyone is doing well and is filled with love, peace, and joy this time of year and always.

gym report: YMCA

2008-12-15T21:04:00.000-08:00

Beau and I went to the Y tonight. I didn't go to any of the classes today because he didn't want to, and I, uh, didn't want to go without him. Oy. Ah well. He also wasn't up for doing any weights, just cardio. I wanted to do both, so I did. Because I didn't want to make him wait too long for me as I did weights, I only did 20 minutes on the treadmill and then about 15 minutes on weights.

The big huge room that has all the cardio machines and weight machines is just that: huge. It looks like it has a lot of different weight machines, but I finally figured out that they are all duplicated. I guess that's a good thing, but at first I was kind of hoping there would be some neat machines I've never done before.

I did mostly upper body weights, and only the inner thigh (hip adduction) for the lower body weights. (I love the hip adduction machine, it's definitely my favorite because I have increased the weight on that pretty consistently ever since college. Yes, I'm that vain.)

I haven't been to a gym since the surgery. Any exercise I've had has been on my bike or by walking. With that in mind...

I only run when chased. ;) However, earlier in the year, I had actually tried running for a couple minutes at a time on the treadmill. It wasn't much, but it was something, which is a lot for me. Back then, I started off with running 1 minute at a time, then sometimes 2 minutes at a time. One evening when I had a lot of energy, I even managed to run 4 minutes at a time. Quite often, I'd do at least two stints of running in between walking, but that was about it. Also, I only ran at 4.8 MPH. I'd be exhausted at the end of each interval, that's for sure.

This time, though, I could tell a difference. Five minutes into walking on the treadmill, I was ready to run. And I ran at 5.0 MPH with no problem. I ran for 3 minutes with little problem. If I weren't still slightly dehydrated I might have run longer. I definitely need a sports bra. =P

Other observations: My active sports pants (which are oh so soft and comfy) are way too big on me. I can wear them as PJ pants, but that's about it. I knew this already and didn't wear them tonight. I did, however, wear my black long leggings for the first time since the surgery and they fit very well instead of tight. My t-shirts for working out are also very loose on me. Also, when I was sitting on one of the weight machines and looked down at my thighs, I could tell they aren't as wide as before.

I'm not skinny by any stretch of the imagination, but I can definitely tell I'm not as big as before. I guess what's really telling is just how big I was before. Oy. But I'm not anymore, so yay!

I'm looking forward to going back again with our free passes. Hopefully, I'll actually do one of the group exercises.

gym investigation

2008-12-15T09:53:00.000-08:00

All that talk about FBS and sliming (ick!)... I should talk about something more positive, like the gym. =)

Beau and I checked out a couple gyms in the area on Thursday last week. I finally cancelled the gym membership at the locally owned gym near our house because both of my gym buddies no longer go (one moved to the Vancouver area!) and the gym itself has pretty sad facilities, especially given its price. So, Beau and I checked out the YMCA and Gold's Gym.

I've been a member of the Y before and I loved it. They have great facilities here, even a pool. I don't like to swim for exercise, but I enjoyed the water aerobics class. But I remember the Y being a little bit expensive. But as it turns out, it's not that much more than what I was paying for my sad little gym nearby.

Beau and I were members of a Gold's when it was literally one block from our apartment when we lived on the east coast several years ago. I actually liked that one because it didn't feel quite so filled with bulky guys who just lift weights all day long. The one here is... okay, but it doesn't sing out to me.

We got a list of their classes, and the classes at the Y are more plentiful and varied. We both felt a better jive with the Y, but it's hard justify its price compared to Gold's which is so cheap it's almost free. =P Well, not really, but it's a lot cheaper than the Y.

We have a 3 day pass for the Y that we have to use up before Christmas. I want to go and check it out. I'm working from home today, so maybe I'll check out an exercise class I can't normally get home in time for! (I just thought of that as I typed, I are soooo smart.)

So, I hope to get back into going to the gym again. I know I need it and I know I'll feel better when I do. And if I can get Beau to go with me some, too, even better!

long time, no post

2008-12-15T08:37:00.000-08:00

So much has happened in the week or so. Let me 'splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.

The summary:
Had 0.5 cc put in. Had another 0.5 cc put in two days later. Slimed all night long. Had the 0.5 cc taken out. Now seem to be okay.

The longer version in bullet points (might be too much information for some, but it's historical info for me):

Wednesday, 12/3/2008 I went up for my scheduled 4th fill. Explained to the doc how I had perfect restriction while traveling as opposed to three weeks before when I really needed a fill. He asked how I was doing then and I said "in betwen." He said it was up to me whether or not I wanted a fill then or wait. I decided to wait to see how long the residual restriction would last. Ha. In hindsight, that was the wrong move.
I went back to his office on Wednesday, 12/10/2008 for my 4th fill. He put in 0.5 cc ultimately. I could drink liquids no problem (it's usually slow for me at first), and could even eat more food on Thursday.
I was impatient and went back in Friday morning, 12/12/2008 for another 0.5 cc. I drank 1 liter of protein shakes no problem throughout the day. I practically wished for a "sign" that the fill was working.
Be careful what you ask for.
Friday night, I experienced First Bite Syndrome really bad when I started to eat some soft food. I barely ate anything.
The pain of FBS lasted about an hour or a little more, I forget.
The *slime* of FBS lasted until... 5:15 AM Saturday morning. I lost about 8 ounces of liquid through the sliming process and I was unable to drink a drop during that time.
I stayed up in the recliner all night Friday night with a cereal bowl on my chest so I could spit into it every few seconds.
Finally asked Beau to wake up at 4:30 AM so he could walk with me as I thought it would give me some relief. I was exhausted and dehydrated, but the walk was good and the slime eventually stopped and I eventually got some sleep.
When I woke up at 9:30, I realized I could sip a teeeeeny bit of water without the slime returning, but it was very slow going.
Called the doc around 11 AM and he suggested to wait it out and see if I could get used to the fill and to call him anytime that weekend if I couldn't "catch up" on my rehydration efforts.
Since the doc wasn't worried yet, I wasn't either. I was weak, but was able to slowly drink some 1/2 cup hot chocolate (I desperately needed calories!) over several hours without sliming.
Drank a sip of water in the evening and the FBS pain returned along with the slime.
Called the doc again and we met at his office 20 minutes later to take 0.5 cc out. He also took out 2.0 cc temporarily just so I could drink a bunch of water, and then he put it back in.
I am now able to drink water and eat food. I feel closer to human, but still need to drink more water today.

It was a rough weekend, to say the least. I'd say that Friday night through Saturday evening were the worst days I've had since the surgery. I know this is a learning process, and I think I learned some new things about my body this weekend based on my observations combined with some comments the doc and other bandsters have said:

Some people take about 48 hours before the stomach fully realizes that a filled just happened. I think this applies to me. I almost never get FBS right away after a fill, it takes at least a day, sometimes two.
Someone on lapbandtalk.com talked about how she can only tolerate *really* small fills, like 0.25 cc at a time. It took her nine fills to reach her sweet spot. Because of my propensity for FBS, I think that might apply to me as well. This saddens me mostly because of my pocketbook, but I think I just need to suck it up and save money elsewhere so I can do this slowly.
I just need to have faith and patience after a fill. I should have waited longer before I made any assumptions about that first fill on Wednesday. I think it was too small, and maybe it was/is, but I should have at least waited a few more days before I made any definitive conclusions.

So, I feel much better now, but I'm trying to let the stomach heal. I'm also feeling hungry even though I ate food yesterday, but tough beans for me. I'm going to give this time and try and be smart about it. And if I have to "diet" between now and January when I can afford another fill, then so be it. I'm a little bit bummed that this is how my body reacts to the band and fills, but you know what? I can roll with it. It's what I have and I have to accept that. And heck, it's a lot better than being 50 pounds heavier.

I'm basically 52 pounds less than my heaviest weight ever right now. That excites me! It almost doesn't seem real, but I'm beginning to remember what it was like to be this weight before. I haven't been this weight in just over 7 years. In another 16 pounds, I'll be the weight I was when I met Beau. I'm really looking forward to that. It's the first of my gradual goals!

it's no wonder

2008-12-02T09:19:00.000-08:00

It's no wonder I've always had a hard time getting motivated to lose weight. It takes 35-40 pounds before people (other than close friends and family) start noticing and commenting. It's nice to get the compliments now from coworkers, but yeesh, it's unfortunate it takes this much before people say something positive.

Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely grateful, but it certainly is a reminder why historically it has been so hard for me to stay motivated when on diets before. I'd work and work and work for weeks and then lose...10 pounds. And 10 pounds on me is nothing. I need to lose 25 pounds to go down a size because of my height! A much shorter person loses 10 pounds and goes down a whole size. Siiiiigh.

In other news, my green smoothie today is especially bright green. It's still very strawberry-y tasting, but the strawberries aren't as dark as they are in the spring and summer, so the baby spinach really dominates the color.

In other other news, I'm nervous for my fill tomorrow. Only mildly nervous, and I fully recognize that it's an irrational fear, but it is what it is, and it's there. I know everything will be fine, but I know I'm not looking forward to having to siiiiip water again, and possibly having to deal with first bite syndrome again. But hopefully my stomach is more adjusted to this band thing and will be able to adjust to the new fill again faster than before. Also, I think I'm more well prepared to know how to properly allow my body to adjust, so I have that going for me.

My doc says one day of liquids, one day of mushies, and then solid food. But I think I might stay on liquids and mushies a little bit longer than that to help prevent the FBS. I don't know if it'll work, but it's worth a shot. Besides, there's this bakery around here that has this awesome butternut squash soup, so maybe I'm looking forward to eating more of that than usual. ;)

I survived Thanksgiving!

2008-11-30T10:26:00.000-08:00

Phew, I made it! Beau and I landed at SFO last night from visiting his family in the South. A friend and former coworker asked me if we had an "unbearably wonderful" time and I laughed. Yes, I think that was just about it.

My successes from the week:

I lost weight! I lost weight from this past week and I think some weight from the previous week. I'm very pleased.
I kept the mother-in-law at bay and didn't let her guilt me or pressure me into eating more food. I think part of this success was due to her noticing that I have been truly successful lately in losing weight, so I think she didn't want to ruin that. I still haven't told her about the surgery and I still don't intend to. Everything I told her is true (I eat really slow, I've lost weight with portion control, I eat mindfully, and if I'm still hungry later I can eat some more), but I didn't tell her why it was easier for me to stick to the plan (because of the band).
I was prepared and brought a bunch of supplements with me like mini Benefiber packets, my calcium citrate packets, Emergen-C supplements, gummi vitamins, and Coenzyme Q-10 pills. I also made a trip to GNC while I was there and bought some protein bullets to make sure I got enough protein.
Normally, when I fly, I eat a lot of bad food. Why? Because it's tradition, I guess. Because I can, I guess. But not this time. I think the stress of flying might have tightened me up a little, I'm not sure.

I was even able to eat some veggies while I was gone, but still not enough. The mother-in-law asked me to make a green salad for the Thursday and Friday family dinners, so I got some veggies then that weren't maimed within an inch of their lives and turned from green to brown. But I desperately want to drink one of my green smoothies. The thought of fresh, raw food is wonderful right now. I need to go grocery shopping.

My next fill is on Wednesday... and now I'm wondering if I actually need it or not. Ugh, it's hard to know for sure. Sure, I'll lose at a faster rate if I get a small fill, but is that really where I need to be? My restriction seemed pretty good last week, but is that my regular amount of restriction, or was I tighter than usual due to some different stresses in my life recently?

Unfortunately, I heard some very upsetting news the Saturday before Thanksgiving. One of my coworkers committed suicide. He was a wonderful man and very sweet, caring, and smart. It just reminds me how little we know about some people, and it reminds me how complicated life really is, and how brain chemistry can really mess you up if you're unlucky. When I first found out about his death, I didn't cry right away (I was on an extreme natural high that day surrounded by good friends and more, so I started from a high point before coming down), but I could tell that my body was still showing an actual reaction. I was losing my appetite (which basically never happens to me) and I had to remind myself to eat something. Then a few days later Beau and I got on a plane to see his family, which is almost always stressful due to some drama on his Mother's part. So my point is... am I just feeling good restriction because of some mild inflammatory responses due to stress, or is this my true restriction levels and I was overreacting when I made my fill appointment a couple weeks ago??

I'll go to the dr.'s office on Wednesday and see what he says. I'll also see how I do in the next few days until then.

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving! I am thankful for so many people and things. Basically, I'm thankful for everything, even the challenges. I hope you are all surrounded by love, peace, joy, and serenity now and always. =)

partial solution: tapas!

2008-11-21T14:27:00.000-08:00

Last night I met a friend at a Spanish restaurant not far from here. If you sit at the bar (which is more than just a bar, they rooms with comfy leather chairs, too!) you can order from their tapas menu. I've only been there once before, so I was excited to try it again.

OMIGOD TAPAS FTW!

Lots of yummy choices (even some with veggies) and I got variety and didn't spend an arm and a leg. But I got to feel like I had a lot because I ate slowly and I could try a few different things.

But, um, don't order the hot tea there. Not only did they only serve me Nestea (no choice of teas even), they then charged me $4.50! Dude, seriously?? For Nestea?? That was the same price as most of the meat tapas dishes, yeesh. Good to know for future reference. =)

just need to vent

2008-11-20T13:44:00.000-08:00

Wah wah wah, I know i'm just whining, but dagumit, that's why I have a blog so I can vent at will, right? Well, one of the reasons, anyway. You can move on now if you don't want to read. =)

I really desperately want/need a fill. I don't want to have to wait two weeks, but I have no choice. What's frustrating the most about this is that my weight has been going up slightly every day this week even though I'm still eating at "Weight Watchers levels" so I should at least lose a little, you know? Although, I might be slightly bloated, so I hope that's it at this point, so that might explain it. But... ugh!

Before I got the band I rarely ever woke up feeling hungry. I'd usually only wake up hungry if I ate late in the evening the night before. So I usually avoid that because I hate the sensation of starting the day off hungry. I'd felt like I was starting off behind. But for the past week or more, I've woken up many days with a hungry feeling. And I'm not eating late! It's not massive hunger, and it doesn't take over my morning, but I still don't like it.

I also graze more because I never feel fully satisfied. That is, I don't have the emotional satisfaction of not being able to even think of eating a bite or a snack between meals. I'm back into the mode of being obsessed with food. This is part of what I want to avoid with the help of the band because it leads to bad things for me.

So, suck it up Jennifer, and learn how to "diet" like the rest of the world.

In other venting news, last night I went to this event up in San Francisco that Beau and I go to every year with a bunch of my college friends. It's always a lot of fun. The restaurant usually limits its menu for the evening so they can accommodate the hundreds of people who all need to eat at basically the same time. Not a problem, I understand that.

But last night, without warning any of us regulars who do this every year, I get there and it's a fixed price menu.

ARGH!!!

For a bandster, that's crazy. There's no way I was going to be able to eat $35 (plus tax and tip) worth of food and that's including my lowered restriction. Besides, for me, it was the principle of the matter. I shouldn't be forced to have a fixed price menu without prior knowledge. They call me every year to see if I want to make reservations again for my group, so they know I'm familiar with their old way of doing things. But it didn't occur to them to tell any of us about the change.

But I mentioned this to them, they apologized, and I explained I had a medical condition that prevents me from eating a lot of food. They were very gracious and let me order anything from the menu. I think they were thinking "diet food" and not "problems with volume of food." And I think I made that worse by ordering... a green salad (with pancetta to get some protein). But then later on I also decided to order some french onion soup because the salad was fairly small, and hello, little restriction.

All was well and good, we were having a great time with the entertainment and our friends... until the bill came. They still charged me $35 for my meal! I was pissed and angry, but I didn't want to raise a fuss with the waitstaff about it because I already did that earlier. So I sucked it up and paid the price. It's a damn good thing I ordered that soup or that would have been the craziest expensive little salad EVER.

The thing is, what upsets me just as much as the restaurant not understanding what I said (when I first mentioned the medical condition) is the fact that I have such huge issues with spending too much money on food. Oh sure, you can say I'm being practical and smart with my money, but I don't think that's it. Not fully, anyway. Lord knows I spend too much money on food more often than I should. But, I dunno, this bothers me somehow. Maybe it's a control thing. Maybe I only want to spend a lot of money on food if I choose to. Maybe I don't like to have that forced on me.

I'm probably onto something there, as I think about this more. But even so, I'm also having a hard time ordering foods I want and crave when they cost more than an appetizer. Like, what I really want in a lot of cases is to be able to order an entree, but have it be a much smaller portion, and smaller price. I don't expect half price for a half size portion, but I'd like some discount at least.

It's funny, this is part of the reason why I like to eat some of the prepared food at Whole Foods now and then. I can have a very small amount of so many different kinds of foods and spend $3 on it or so. For example, I can put ONE piece of grilled zucchini on my plate and a single ravioli, and some of the teriyaki chicken and be good.

I know I gotta get over the money issue, but I'm having a hard time. If anyone has any suggestions (other than "take the leftovers home," because of course I do that, but even that has its own problems because sometimes I want food that doesn't do well as leftovers) I'd love to hear them.

Sigh.

fourth fill appointment made

2008-11-18T11:59:00.000-08:00

I called the dr.'s office yesterday so I could make my 4th fill appointment for the Monday after Thanksgiving. Too bad he'll be at his Utah office (?!!!) that Monday and Tuesday, so my appointment is now for Wednesday, 12/3/08. Aww, man, now I have to be extra vigilant even longer!
(/whiny)

Umm, that's all I got. I thought I had more, but I was wrong.

the upside to needing a fill...

2008-11-17T13:22:00.000-08:00

... is that I'm able to drink more liquids more easily! Although, I don't think I drank enough water yesterday, so I'll have to make up for it today.

I really enjoy being able to drink more water at once. It annoys the heck out of me to only be able to drink small sips at a time. Argh! I would much rather chug a bunch of water down at once. I love water. It truly is my favorite drink. (I'm a water snob, though. If it tastes funny I have to add something to it, like a lemon or lime wedge. Case in point: Evian. I think that stuff tastes like CRAP. Why do people pay so much for it? I love the water filter we had installed under our kitchen sink. Cheap, environmentally friendly, tasty, healthy water!)

So, anyway. I can drink more water, which I love. It also means I can drink my smoothie in a shorter amount of time before it gets all warm. =)

Today's smoothie was cut up strawberries, half an apple, and some baby spinach, all pureed in a blender. Yum! I don't know why I didn't think of it before to add an apple for sweetening instead of juicing the apple and adding the apple juice. Duh, Jennifer. I get the fiber from the apple now, too. I'll still use up the frozen apple juice I made, but after that, I'm just going to use apples. Hurray, raw food!

Good thing I had that fruit and veggie smoothie today. It'll help balance out the taco I had for lunch, oy. (And no, not a healthy taco from the taco truck. I, um, went shopping for frozen meals and Benefiber to keep at the desk during my lunch break today and also went to, um, Taco Bell. See, I told you I need that fill.)

Again, Chrys is right =)

2008-11-17T13:16:00.000-08:00

I just read Chrys's updated blog posts from today and she was talking about needing another fill and then scheduling it. I felt a small twinge of jealousy because I know I need one and I actually want one. I realized I could actually get a fill today as long as my dr. had time this late afternoon, but I knew I would be pushing it.

But then I checked for comments on my posts and there was one from Chrys. She suggested waiting until after Thanksgiving and expressed some reasons why. And you know what? She's right. I hadn't even thought about what would happen if I get a fill and then end up 2000 miles away and suddenly need an unfill... over the Thanksgiving break. That would not be cool!

I guess I was worried that I was being reluctant primarily because of Beau. I know he's slightly stressing out over the idea of me getting a fill before heading to see his family (because seeing his family will be stressful enough as it is, unfortunately). I was worried that I was allowing myself to get caught up in his stress. That maybe all along I knew getting a fill was the right thing to do and I was just over-dramatizing so I could justify having more room for the nice dinner we're going to Wednesday night or for Thanksgiving itself.

But nope. To have two people whose opinions I trust and respect tell me it's best to wait, I gotta listen. I'm not just selfish and it's not just my unhealthy relationship with food. Well, maybe it's the unhealthy relationship a little bit, but that's not the main motivating factor. I get that now and I'm okay with it.

I should call and make an appointment for the week after, though! =)

losing restriction

2008-11-16T22:33:00.000-08:00

In other news, I don't have nearly as much restriction now as I did a couple weeks ago. I'm having a really hard time resisting head hunger and my weight loss has slowed. Technically, I didn't lose any weight on my last weigh-in day (Wednesdays), but I also know I was, um, well, full. So to speak. So I knew I had lost at least some weight, but the official weigh-in didn't show that. Sure enough, it came off the next day. ;)

But even still, I'm not sure I've lost much of anything since then. Well, it'll be interesting to see what happens on my next weigh-in day. But I'm eating more calories and I'm succumbing to more carbs.

There's this part of me that thinks I just need to be "better." That I should be able to do this. That I shouldn't need another fill. But then I think back to what I've read in Chrys's blog earlier this year when she thought the exact same thing and she realized (as I do now, too) that if we could just be "better" and lose weight on our own, we wouldn't need the lap band! This is why I have it.

I know I need another fill, but I'm reluctant to get it this week. The first day I could ever fit it into my schedule is Thursday. But the following Tuesday I leave to fly to my in-laws for Thanksgiving. As has happened after the last two adjustments, I have a harder time adjusting to my new fill than I think I should. First bite syndrome becomes an issue and I usually deal with a fair bit of pain. I'm actually hopeful that I'll do better with that after my next fill because I'll probably stay on liquids and mushies longer than is recommended because I think my body will deal better.

But what if that doesn't work? What if a week later I'm still having a hard time with eating? If I were staying home with my family I'd have no problem with that and would definitely get the fill this week. But I haven't told my mother in law, nor do I want to tell her. I'm already going to have make fibs when I'm there to explain why I'm not eating lots of food; I don't want to make it worse. I just don't want to deal with her, ya know?

So I guess I have to decide if I want to get the fill anyway and just have faith that I can handle whatever comes my way, or if I make an appointment for the Monday after Thanksgiving. I know what Beau would say, he'll say to wait. He doesn't want me to be stressed as we deal with the drama of his feeling back home. And I guess part of me thinks the same way. But the other part of me really wants and adjustment because I don't like having food control me again. And goshdarnit, I want to lose weight a little bit faster!

So I have some thinking to do tomorrow. =}

shopping in my closet

2008-11-16T21:51:00.000-08:00

I was *thisclose* to buying some new clothes from J. Jill because I wanted something a nice for Christmas. I was thinking of maybe getting a sweater or something else. But then I remembered about some of the clothes I've been storing in plastic boxes below our bed, so I thought I should try those on to see if they would satisfy my urge for new clothes.

I have some good news and some bad news.

The Bad: About a year ago, before I ever heard of the lap band, I decided to finally purge my house of some of my smaller clothes. Basically, I had finally given up on the notion of ever losing enough weight to be able to wear them. I thought I'd lose some, but either I wouldn't lose enough to get into some of the smaller ones, or I'd want new clothes if I lost that much weight. So, some of the clothes I had been planning on wearing now don't exist in my house.

The Good: I did keep some clothes and more of them fit than I thought would. Hurray, clothes!

Some of the clothes fit just fine, which surprises me, and some technically fit, but will fit better when I lose another 5-10 pounds or so. (Remember, 25 pounds is a size for me.) What's weird for me is that I'm about 20 pounds heavier than I was when I met Beau, and I wore these clothes when we met, so I'm surprised they fit me now. But I'm not complaining!

I started to put clothes that I'm "retiring" in a plastic box so I can save them for my sister when she gets down to these sizes. I promised to save my big clothes for her.

Some other good things I learned today:

I now have a suit!!! I gave away a couple more casual suits in my closet purge a year ago, but I kept this beauuuuuutiful very dark raisin suit from Gianni (of Versace name) because I knew that if I ever did get small enough to fit into it, I'd want to wear it. It's so incredibly hard for me to find suits that fit, let alone fit well and are long enough, that I kept this in a bout of optimism. And it fits!! Heck, I might wear it to work just because I CAN. (But everyone will ask me what interview I'm going to, so maybe not, heh.)

(I also kept my silky, very small black suit that would mean I lost a LOT of weight if I could ever wear it again. It's my omigodIwouldlooksohotifIcouldwearthisagain suit. It's silky and when it fit me, it made me look skinnier. I love this suit and there was no way I could ever part with it. I'm probably 40 pounds from being able to wear it, but I will get there someday. Oh yes, I will get there...)

Right now I'm wearing the dress I wore to the wedding when I first met Beau in person. =D Wow, to have an actual dress that fits, what a concept!

So, going back to that closet purge a year ago... Now I'm really bummed I did that! I mean, I really had lost hope. There were a couple items I almost didn't part with because I loved them so much. But ultimately I got rid of them because I thought that at least someone should get good use out of them, ya know? The item I am most bummed about is this beautiful sage green blazer from Eddie Bauer. It was tall, well tailored, and it made me look good. The color is just beautiful, too. But, again, it's probably 40 pounds ago, so I got rid of it. At the time, I thought I'd lose weight, but I never believed I would lose 80 pounds. Darnit!

Other items I'm pleased to see fit me are several XXL Tall shirts from Eddie Bauer. I have a feeling that the Tall XXL shirts they make now are smaller than what they made then because I can barely fit into their Women's 3X shirts now. Luckily, I did save my two luscious velvet button-up shirts, so I get to wear those this winter! Heck, I plan to wear the blue one this Wednesday. I can also wear this white shirt with knot "buttons." (I need to iron it first!)

But best of all... the capri pants I had been saving as my measuring stick for getting down to the weight I was when I met Beau... I can zip them up. =) Okay, so they are really freaking tight and they make my upper stomach bulge more than usual, but dammit, I can zip them up. I just need to lose another 10 pounds and they should be able to fit okay. 20 pounds and they should be great. When I lose another 10-20 pounds, I should be able to shop in the Eddie Bauer Tall section instead of the Womens section, and that will make me very happy. Oh, to be able to wear nice pants and slacks again! To have clothes with the proper length!!

Anyway, at least this means I don't have to buy any new clothes just yet. =)

new reader, woo hoo! =)

2008-11-11T16:39:00.000-08:00

Hello and welcome, Lauren! I'm so excited to hear you might be able to have the lap band surgery this year. I really hope your insurance comes through for you. Please feel free to email me with any questions, concerns, or cries you might have. =)

I think it's neat that Tracey is the one that referred you to my blog because she's also the one that referred me to Chrysalis, and as you can tell from my previous posts, she has been a huge lifesaver for me.

I admit it's kind of neat to know sometimes that I'm not just writing into the ether (or bogging down Chrys with too much info, ha).

And thank you Raven for touching base. You are very sweet to do so.

In other news... I'm having a big battle with head hunger today. I also think my restriction is a lot less today, which isn't helping. I hear a lot of women get tighter while on their period, but that doesn't seem to be true for me... at least not today! Luckily, I rode my bike to work today, so at least I'm getting some exercise. And I had one of my green smoothies, so I'm getting more veggies, too!

Speaking of my bike, it's just about time to go home...

the farmers market is great for bandsters

2008-11-09T21:01:00.000-08:00

Going to the farmers market is great for brandsters. You can try little tidbits of all kinds of fruits (and some veggies, but I've mostly seen the cucumbers given out as samples) and some of the prepared foods. You can control how much you eat, you get variety, and it's just enough. I love it!

I'm really lucky living in the Bay Area because we have so many great fruits, veggies, and nuts grown so close by. You can't beat the variety or the climate. Some of the ones around here are open year round, some for about 9 months of the year. The one Beau and I go to is open year round. It's actually a really big one with lots of vendors.

Today my goal was to buy more supplies for making green smoothies. I wanted more chard (and kale if I could find it, but I couldn't find it), strawberries, and apples. I bought one bunch of red chard and one bunch of golden chard. I was good this time and juiced both bunches this afternoon. I also washed and cut up the strawberries so I have no excuse but to make myself smoothies before I leave for work.

Today I ate the following free samples:
Asian pear
tangerine
cucumber
grapes
chicken apple sausage
Pumpkin filled bolani (an Afghan flat bread)
garlic mint yogurt cheese (an Afghan dip to go with the bolani, see http://www.bolaniandsauce.com)

If I wanted, I also could have tried any of the following:
plums, strawberries (yes, they're still grown around here this time of year and not in hot houses), raspberries (I was pretty surprised to see this still, to be honest), some peaches, all sorts of apples, oranges, fresh salsa with corn chips, piroshkis, gluten-free cookies and cakes, and so much more I'm blanking on.

The fresh salsa is very yummy. I only bought it once since being banded, but I've since learned it's not worth it because I just can't eat enough chips and salsa in time to make it worthwhile. Hmmmm, maybe instead I should just enjoy a free sample when I go and let that be it. =D

You know the free samples work because I bought the pumpkin bolani and the garlic mint yogurt cheese dip. Some of it was my lunch today, the rest will be lunches for the rest of the week.

A week ago I bought a pomegranate but hadn't eaten it yet. I finally opened it up tonight and put all the arils in a bowl. I'm eating them (only the juice, not the seeds in the arils) as I type this and enjoying them a lot. I've always loved pomegranates since I was a kid. They were always a special treat for late autumn. As I suck the juice out of several arils at once, I realize they are great for bandsters. You can put a bunch in your mouth and feel some emotional satisfaction for having a lot of them in your mouth. Then you bite down on them and the juice squirts out. After you enjoy the juice you can spit out the seeds. Of course you can eat the seeds, but I never ate them all that often and now with the band I don't want to just in case. This is great because it's impossible to eat a pomegranate quickly this way, so you get a lot of satisfaction for a long period of time and very few calories and no tightness.

(Although, I'm learning the hard way that if you do this long enough, your tongue might cut a little, kind of like sucking on pineapple. It's not bad, but I think I better stop for the evening.)

wow, it's been awhile...

2008-11-05T21:41:00.000-08:00

Chrysalis commented in my previous entry a couple days ago to check in on me and that made me realize it's been 3 weeks since I last posted!

Things have been going well, thanks for asking. =) Every so often I think about posting, but then get lazy or procrastinate or think I don't have anything interesting to share. So I'll just share whatever and you can choose to read or ignore. =)

The third fill is going pretty well, actually. Almost 2 weeks ago I thought some of the restriction was beginning to wear off and that I might want a fourth fill sometime in November. But actually, I think the fill is still good. I was really battling head hunger and not winning. I was stress eating and grazing. You can see it because I only lost 0.2 pounds that week, but it was probably more due to water retention. But this past week I lost 2.8 pounds, so I think it was making up for the week before. I guess I'm still on my slow, but steady 1.5 pound loss per week!

I'm kind of glad I don't need another fill just yet because I don't want to spend the money on it! I'd much rather wait until January so I can use next year's flex spending money on it. But if I don't need another adjustment by January, I might not need another one for quite some time. Who knows.

I did learn something new a few weeks ago about how my body works with my band. Something very distressing happened and I was an emotional wreck and cried and cried. (Everyone and everything is okay, but it was a very sad time for me, personally.) This happened after a time when I thought I was beginning to lose restriction. Well, the crying fit helped me feel tight again!

I guess all the stress from the crying is an inflammatory response, so I felt tighter as a result. I was more easily able to eat less and resist head hunger. Well, at least it was the silver lining at the time. ;)

As for the first bite syndrome, it's almost never a problem now, so I'm happy about that. Sometimes I get a little tight when I first start eating, but pretty rarely, and even then it's the reminder to slow down. It's not full-on FBS. So I slow down or take a mental note of the type of food I ate in case it might be something I can't eat.

Speaking of foods I can't eat... I haven't consistently found any that don't sit well with me. A few weeks ago I was beginning to suspect eggs, but now I don't. I had a hard boiled egg this morning with no problem. But maybe I should try scrambled again just to see. Hmm, I guess I should do some more serious research. My sister, on the other hand, has learned she can't handle bread... the hard way! What a bummer, man. I think she's still struggling with staying away from it all the time, but I hope she does.

So, that's the rambling news from me. I hope all is well with all of my readers! (If there are any besides Chrysalis and Beau, heehee.)

soft spots/signs

2008-10-14T12:39:00.000-07:00

Right after my surgery, it was pretty easy for me to figure out what my "soft spots" (or "soft sign," I'm forgetting which term is more common) were. (A soft spot is something you feel in your body that first tells you that you're full and you should stop eating.) I felt a very distinct and localized tight feeling between the upper part of my ribcage and I usually had a little "burp" of some sort.

I was excited to figure it out right away, but I've been slightly bummed that that particular tight feeling almost never happens anymore. I kind of liked that one for some odd reason. Maybe because it was my first? Maybe because it was more obvious to be band related and not some other sign? I don't know.

But I still do the burp thing, although there are different types of burps. =) There's a burp that might happen when I first start eating or drinking, and there's a very different kind of burp that I think is my true soft sign, the one that tells me "you're done."

But the past few days I've noticed a new soft sign... I sneeze! I've heard of other bandsters either hiccuping or sneezing as their soft spot, but it hasn't happened to me yet. The only problem with my sneeze soft spot is that usually happens about 15 minutes after my other soft spot and feeling of fullness.

So I can't rely on the sneeze as my indicator to stop, but it does help confirm for me that I did the right thing to stop 15 minutes ago. =)

things are going well

2008-10-14T12:26:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated here in awhile, and I feel like I should. Fortunately for me, the first bite syndrome actually died down a lot earlier than I thought it would, so I'm pleased about that. What that means in layman's terms is that I still have good restriction without always getting the FBS when I eat. Actually, I can still get it a little bit, but it is mostly if I'm not eating slow enough. But even then, it's usually not a big deal, so it's a good reminder to slow down.

One stupid thing I did yesterday morning was I needed to finish my drink before I could eat breakfast that was yummy and made for me. The drink was full of a bunch of supplements (Emergen-C, fiber, and calcium), so I wanted to be sure to drink it all before I started eating. Well, I got impatient because I really wanted to start eating, so I gulped the list bit of liquid.

Bad idea, Jennifer. I know not to gulp, but I did anyway. That made my pouch kind of wary to begin with, even if it wasn't in full FBS right away. But by the time I took my second bite of food, it was in FBS mode. I hate it when I make stupid decisions. Luckily, I knew all I needed was time, so I went to shower and then came back and finished my breakfast. All was well, and I still had good restriction. I love my band!

My goal is to see how long I can do good and feel good with this third fill. I'm hoping I can make it last quite a bit of time. Heh, in an ideal world, I wouldn't need another fill before 2009... when I can use my flex spending dollars to pay for it! ;) (I haven't heard anything from my insurance company yet, so I kind of doubt they're going to pay for my fills. Poop.)

update on the first bite syndrome

2008-09-30T11:50:00.001-07:00

Ever since Saturday I've been taking it easy, food-wise. I've been consuming mostly liquids and liquidy mushies, like soup. It's still obvious my body is wary about anything I do, so I'm trying to be nice and barely pushing it at all. I'm allowing some higher calorie liquids a little because I don't want to be massively hungry while I'm letting my body heal. For example, I had some cream of mushroom soup last night. Yummy, but not low cal. I'm still keeping my calories down relatively low, though.

Right now I'm trying sloooooowly nurse some pureed stew that I added some more water to. I've had this stew pureed before and it was totally fine. But my body is still a little bit skeptical, so even for a mushie, I have to pretend it's a solid food as I try to eat it. Oy.

I've basically been hungry most of the time since Saturday, but I haven't yet felt as much raging hunger as I did on Saturday. Since then, it's been "tolerable" amounts of hunger. I know I'm hungry because I can't eat solid food while I heal, so I let the hunger happen so I can heal. I can withstand it for that, but I hope this isn't going to be how I live my life for some time...

The silver lining is that I'm down 4.2 pounds since my last weigh-in! Ha! Tomorrow morning is my next weigh-in, but I'm guessing I'll be up a pound tomorrow morning since I always am up in the middle of the week. But hey, that would still give me a 3 pound loss, so there's a an upside to this being able to eat solid food thing. =P

change in ticker status

2008-09-28T19:14:00.001-07:00

Oh, also, I decided to change my ticker so it now shows my weight loss since the surgery. Well, actually, since the pre-surgery low carb diet since I don't know my actual weight on the day of surgery. The difference between this ticker and the previous version of the ticker is that the previous version showed an additional 11 pounds lost.

first bite syndrome is a b*tch

2008-09-28T18:49:00.000-07:00

I knew that after I got my third fill again that the first bite syndrome (FBS) would probably come back, but I decided I could handle it.

Owwwwwwwwwwwww.

Hmm, maybe I was wrong. This time, it's kicking my ass, and I'm not sure why. Maybe because I was already exhausted (as I have been for a couple weeks now) and I'm just not able to handle the pain and stress. I dunno.

The fill was Thursday and I was fine on liquids all day, and on Friday, I was fine on mushies and even on soft solid food. I even experimented with a bite of toasted bagel and cream cheese and I successfully ate my entire half (the smaller half) with very small bites and very good chewing. I was ecstatic!

But then on Friday night, the FBS syndrome came with dinner. I could barely eat anything. The lettuce with dressing on it made me cramp, as did the teriyaki chicken. I even started with hot tea and some miso soup first, so I definitely had warm liquids before. I barely consumed anything for dinner because it would take awhile for the pain to go away before I could even think of attempting to eat again.

You know what's sad? That my body had an easier time swallowing the wee little nibble of cupcake my friend brought to dinner from this fancy shmancy cupcake place that started in L.A. Dude, seriously? My body can handle a small bite of cupcake, but not a small bite of salad?? Whatever.

So on Saturday morning I'm thinking I should definitely eat mushy food. I start with a cup of hot tea, and then I cook some scrambled eggs with some milk added (I don't normally add milk to eggs) and cheese, thinking the cheese will help make it softer. Ummmm, no. My pouch decided it wasn't happy with that. I thought, well, some people have trouble with eggs, maybe I'm one of them. But it really felt FBS-like, and not like a stuck episode.

I waited a while and tried another teeeeeny bite of the cold eggs. It was a little bit painful, but not too bad. I knew I needed to get protein in me and I figured that was more important. And eventually, I was able to eat most of my scrambled eggs with only mild amounts of pain.

But then. Ohhhhh, then I decide it's time to take my liquid multivitamins. Bad idea! Now, it's been awhile since I've eaten, so I know I don't have to worry about drinking liquids since having eaten. So I drink my ounce of vitamins and BAM! Massive, strong paing in my pouch! I can practically see some invisible fingers pinching my pouch on the inside. I start sliming a lot, too. But I never PB. (I have not yet PBed in my band career, and I'm beginning to wonder if I even can.)

I was hanging over the kitchen sink for what felt like 5 minutes. I was moaning and groaning because the pain was awful. I was not a happy camper.

Eventually, Beau and I had to leave for our sporting event of the day. I really didn't want to go (even though it's my team) because I was so exhausted and the pain was really wearing me down. But we went anyway, and I brought a whey protein drink with me. It's actually a very concentrated protein drink, but I diluted it with water (and added my B vitamins and fiber) in a 0.5 Liter bottle.

It took me a few hours to sip away at that bottle. And most of my sips hurt a little as it would go through my band. That wore me down even more. What was worse was that I was hungry and I couldn't even drink easily, let alone eat. I mean, really and truly hungry.

I bought a burrito with refried beans, cheese, and guacamole hoping I would be able to eat the inside (not the tortilla) because it was mushy. Nope, not even at 6pm could I eat anything mushy. I was just in so much pain! This just made my exhaustion worse and I was cranky and upset and just needed a good cry. (Thankfully for me, my team won becaue I don't think I could have dealt with a loss on top of all this, heehee.)

I was thisclose to calling Chrysalis to just whine. I showed restraint, though, because I know she's not a big phone person, and I also didn't know how late she stays up, heh. =) (She's 3 hours ahead of me.) Beside, it's not like she could do anything and Beau can listen to me moan just as well. Heh.

So I started on a chocolate Kashi protein shake this morning. (I woke up even more hungry than I have felt in years because I only consumed about 400 calories yesterday.) I could certainly feel it go through the band, so I had to take it easy. I wouldn't call it painful, but there was some discomfort. But it got a little bit better, so I tried a slice of bacon. I took reeeeally little bites and chewed reeeeally well. It was... okay. Mild pain, but not massive.

I drank more liquids today thinking I need to let my stomach heal. But then that was going well, so I tried a small nibble of a taco from a taqueria I haven't been to in over a year (with really moist meat). First nibble fine, second nibble caused the spasming. Siiiiigh. I tried again about 30 minutes later and I could eventually eat little bites of the taco and eventually ate a normal bandster amount of food.

I'm telling you, just being able to eat at all helps me feel human. I only ate one taco, but compared to not being able to eat anything, that feels great. What's been really hard about this weekend is that I've been almost constantly hungry, but unable to eat. At least after the surgery you're not able to eat (because of restriction), but you're also not hungry. My pouch and stomach were empty, so I was hungry, but I couldn't physically get food down and even liquids were tough, so I couldn't get rid of the hunger.

Whine whine whine, I know. But I just need to vent here. I just didn't feel human until a little while ago when I was able to eat that taco.

So, I have to decide whether to tough this out until the restriction from the third fill goes down a little and hope that the FBS dies down, too, or whether to go to Dr. McKeen tomorrow and ask for a wee unfill so I can feel human again. If I do the unfill, I will have to "diet" to lose weight. Sigh. I guess I'll decide tomorrow morning.

third fill

2008-09-26T11:45:00.000-07:00

I had my third fill yesterday. At first, Dr. McKeen put in 2 CCs, but when I would drink some water, it felt like it was still up there, like I was bloated. So he took out .5 CC. Still felt like too much, so he took out another .5 CC. All in all, he only added 1 CC yesterday! Part of me was bummed because I'm assuming I'll just need another fill soo and dang that's a lot of money. But the smart part of me is in control because I knew I was doing what was right, smart, and safe.

The first bite syndrome has been mostly in check so far. This morning I made sure to drink some warm water and wait several minutes before I drank something cold. (Apparently, you're supposed to wait 3-5 minutes between the warm liquid and eating something for the stomach to relax. Maybe that was part of my problem before.) I was able to drink my cold smoothie with basically no problem today, so that was good. I still drink it slowly, but it was all good.

So far today I've also had some Kashi GoLean oatmeal without any problem. I even experimented with part of a toasted bagel with cream cheese and it went down okay, too! I took the teeniest bites just in case it wasn't going to work, but it was fine, thankfully. I haven't eaten all that much today, but I'm still a smidge hungry. Maybe I'll be less hungry tomorrow when I can eat more solid foods? I hope so.

I was going to comment to Chrysalis's comment in my previous post, but I thought I'd mention it here. I have been really tired lately. I mostly fade in the evenings after work. I get home, cook dinner, and then have almost no energy to do anything else. My coworker, L, thinks it's because I'm losing weight "too fast." But I really don't think that's it. I'm not losing any faster than I ever did on Weight Watchers.

I wondered about vitamins, but I'm taking a multivitamins and B-complex vitamin, although I haven't been as consistent lately with it. (Hmm, speaking of which, I will take my B-complex in some water before I eat lunch soon.)

My current theory (and I'm not committed to this theory yet) is that I'm tired from lack of physical activity. I remember one year in high school when we went on our usual camping trip in June. I had been completely lethargic and could barely move. I felt like it was going to be near impossible to go on the usual "Hike From Hell" on Saturday that B always lead. But I forced myself to go because I like his hikes. At first I was dragging, but by the mid afternoon I had more energy! Of course I was depleted from the hike itself, but I felt better after the hike than before. It was the kickstart I needed to feel myself again. So I always think back to that experience. That might be what I need now. I might need to do that on Sunday afternoon (Saturday is booked already, as is Sunday morning and midday).

Dang, I'm hungry already. Sigh. Well, at least it's lunch time.

patience

2008-09-24T12:44:00.000-07:00

Patience is a virtue, right? I'm having a hard time being patient. I "only" lost 1.2 pounds this past week, and it's already reflected in my weight loss ticker. But I'm going in for another fill tomorrow, so that's good! I just hope the first bite syndrome doesn't get worse, but I kind of expect it to.

Today at lunch, though, I was super hungry. I hadn't had any protein before lunch (homemade smoothie of fruits and some veggies) and then, um, a free donut at work. Okay, so my caloric intake was "okay," but I didn't need all that sugar. In fact, I realized what I really wanted was protein, but work doesn't have a cafeteria, so there are no eggs or similar to buy. Anyway, now I wish I refrained from the donut, but it's done.

So I get some tacos at lunch (soft corn tortillas, meat of your choice, and salsa only) and I make sure they add extra meat to each since they usually skimp on the meat. I bought three, whereas I used to order 4 (but only 2 had extra meat). I could barely eat one taco! That's amazing considering how hungry I was. I haven't been that hungry since I've been banded. I don't know if I kept the food intake down because of the FBS or because I just was restricted a good amount. I guess tomorrow will tell.

I'm babbling now, aren't I? Anyway, I need to be patient. But I also need to be motivated to exercise more. I still need to work on that.

update

2008-09-22T16:06:00.000-07:00

Boy, I should have updated more recently so y'all didn't think I was still mad or similar. ;) Luckily, I was able to ride the Segways for work and I had a blast! I wrote an email to our group leader (whom I knew would understand my frustrations), but didn't send it. But it helped to get the words down. But when I saw her in person a few days before the event, I only barely mentioned the weight restriction and she immediately gave me this knowing look and apologized. She said she never would have approved this outing if she had known about that ahead of time. But she contacted our person who organized the event and verified that the Segway tour company wouldn't weigh us and wasn't too strict about the weight.

As it turns out, what's more important is to have a minimum weight requirement. You have to be at least 100 pounds otherwise there's not enough weight to move and control the Segway! But I suppose if you're my 4' 10" friend who weighs 95 pounds, you could put some weights on your body to help you reach the 100 pounds.

Also, it was an absolutely gorgeous day in San Francisco, so I would have been bummed to miss it! It had been cold and foggy the entire week except for the day we were out. It was in the high 60s and completely sunny. My perfect day!

In other news, the first bite syndrome (FBS) symptoms are lessening, but it still happens. As the restriction has worn off, so has the FBS spasming. If it happens, it's not quite as painful, nor does it last as long.

However, this is a result of having less restriction! =( Although, I suppose it could be a coincidence, but I doubt it. I'm eating more lately and having a harder time resisting head hunger. But I'm still losing... just slowly.

I was supposed to go in for my third fill today, but Dr. McKeen had to do some emergency surgeries today. (I'm thankful I didn't have to do that!) I'll go in on Thursday instead. Maybe this will give me more of a chance to work on battling head hunger on my own.

But the good news is that I'm wearing jeans a size smaller than before! These are the jeans I wore around the time of our wedding. Yay! I probably could have put them on a few pounds ago, but I was so afraid of them not fitting even though the scale was close to my wedding weight. Silly ol' me. Anyway, they fit and they feel so much better than my bigger jeans. =)

In other other news, last week I posted in a weight loss blog I've been reading. I had been reading Lexy's for awhile, but never delurked! She wrote about an experience that scared her, but as I was reading it I knew exactly what she was going through... a panic attack! They are NOT fun, trust me. After I had my first panic attack in 1998 my sister saved my life by giving me a book called "Hope and Help for your Nerves." So I commented about it in Lexy's blog. I felt like I did something useful! Lexy is really nice and we've emailed a little. I don't want to post a link to her blog until she says it's okay, though. =) Anyway, hi, Lexy!

weight restrictions

2008-09-11T10:25:00.000-07:00

So I'm pissed off and I need to vent.

At my work, whenever we finish a big release, those who worked on the release go on some sort of "celebration" as a thank you. I'm glad the company does this. And they usually try to come up with different events for each release.

Our next celebration trip is a week from today. I was totally excited about because it's something I've wanted to do for awhile. We're going to ride around on Segways in San Francisco! Sounds kinda neat... until I read that there's a weight limit.

!#$^?$**!!!!!

Seriously, WTF? Why would you choose an event where you know that possibly some people won't be allowed to go? Oh yeah, that's right, because it was planned by skinny people. Skinny people (who've never been overweight before) just don't effing GET IT. They just don't. Whether or not they can, I have no idea. Doesn't matter because they just don't.

They see the weight limit and either A) it doesn't register in their brains at all, or B) it registers, but that "high" number is "so high" that surely no one in the group exceeds it.

Bullshit.

I currently exceed it by 8-9 pounds (depending on which weight I take from this week, heh). The event is next week, so I'll only lose 1-2 pounds before then. And I would bet $100 that there's another guy in our group who doesn't come in under the weight limit. I wonder what he's going to do? Is he going to go anyway? Or will he just decline because he doesn't care or would rather get work done? Does this even bother him like it does me?

I'd be more depressed if I hadn't lost my 20 pounds recently. If this event were before my surgery, there's probably no way I could have justified going on the trip anyway. 30 pounds over the listed maximum is really pushing it. I might do it with "just" 8 pounds over, but I don't know.

There's this part of me that wants to get all indignant and "take a stand" and not go, but there's this other part of me that wants to just let it go and not make a big deal. And I bet most readers are probably thinking "just let it go," but when I think about that, that just pisses me off more. Because it's hard for me to just let the rest of the world discriminate against fat people. The collective "we" have finally learned that it's not okay to discriminate against race, creed, color, orientation, etc etc... but we still discriminate against people of certain weights (anorexics have a similar problem, but on the other end of the spectrum).

So, anyway. I have a feeling I won't mention this to the person who organized the event (she's petite, duh), but I needed to get out my anger and frustration somewhere. I apologize, dear readers, that you are the recipients of my emotions. But hey, you always have the choice to ignore or skip this post. =P

my sister's surgery went well!

2008-09-09T14:05:00.000-07:00

I just heard from my Mom and Dad, and my Mom talked to Dr. McKeen who said my sister's surgery went well and she is recovering for a couple hours now. My Mom will get to see her when she's ready to come home. I can't wait to see her tonight!

I realized this morning that I've been kind of stressing out lately, and I think this was part of the reason. It may have gotten "a little dusty in here" as I read the email from my Dad about my sister's surgery results. I'm so happy. I love her so much.

first bite syndrome

2008-09-08T17:11:00.000-07:00

I went to Dr. McKeen today thinking I might need a slight unfill. I have good restriction (I've lost 3 pounds since Wednesday! Although, a pound of that might be dehydration.), but sometimes I have the darnedest time getting the first (or second) bite down. This even happens with liquids! It's pretty painful, too. And that's what made me go to the doc today. I had my first sip of my cold liquid vitamins this morning and it really felt "stuck." I thought, how could that be stuck?! I know some people feel tighter in the morning, but man, that's really bad if I'm stuck on 2 teaspoons of liquid first thing in the morning.

So I met with the doc and explained everything. He told me about "first bite syndrome." When the first bite of food (or a cold liquid) reaches the upper pouch, the stomach walls have a mini spasm and contract. Once the stomach relaxes, everything is fine. Boy, did his description match what I felt! I had never read about this, so I had no idea. And my experiences didn't seem specific enough to go onto lapbandtalk.com and search for similar experiences. Of course, when I look there know for "first bite syndrome," I see others with similar experiences.

I feel pretty confident this is what's going on. I will try drinking a warm liquid first thing in the morning. I also hope that eventually my stomach will get used to this and eventually stop spasming. Only time will tell, of course. And if I have to live with this for the rest of my life, I'll do it. It's a small price to pay to be skinny. Also, it helps remind me to slow down, which is always a nice reminder.

So anyway, I decided to not get an unfill. I'm loving my second fill!

"Lunch in a cup!!"

2008-09-05T13:30:00.001-07:00

Have you seen the movie Wall-E? They make a big deal about a potential futuristic Earth society is living in a space station while the robots are back on Earth cleaning it up because the humans have let it go to waste and it cannot sustain life. On this space station, everything is automated, people sit in floating recliners literally all the time and they eat "lunch in a cup!" As you can probably guess, they're all fat.

It's actually a great movie and I highly recommend it. Pixar has done it again. (I don't know how they keep on putting out great stories, but they do.) Anyway, since I'm not eating as much food with this most recent fill, I'm making sure to drink more protein drinks.

I'm currently drinking an orange flavored no carb concentrated high protein drink. It gives me 42 grams of protein, which will be handy since I don't think I'll eat enough of protein on my own right now.

But then I added some Benefiber to it because, well, I don't think I'll be able to eat enough fiber on my own right now (even with my homemade smoothie of pureed strawberries, peaches, and juiced swiss chard!).

So the next logical conclusion is to think, hey, I could add vitamins to the drink! I was mostly joking with myself in my head because, well, that's ridiculous. =P It's my lunch in a cup! ;)

BTW, that bite of quesadilla earlier stayed down and was fine eventually. Like I said, I could tell the tightness was slowly lessening, so that was a good sign. I was even able to eat a little bit more later. Needless to say, I have pretty good restriction right now. ;)

yikes! (first stuck episode??)

2008-09-05T11:21:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure I just ate a bite that was too big. I have this awful "stuck" feeling in my upper throat. You know how when you eat food and your esophagus isn't doing a good job of pushing the food down? And usually you just drink some water and that causes it to push the food down? Well, that's how this feels. Only problem is that I can't drink any water.

But I'm not producing any "slime." Slime is extra saliva a bandster produces in an effort to "PB" the food back up. "PB" stands for (and I think this is just a weird acronym, but whatever) "productive burping." You can think of it as regurgitation, but without the stomach acids. It's just the food that got stuck surrounded by a bunch of really thick saliva so it can grease the food as it comes up.

I haven't yet PB'ed, and I'm not sure I will now. Well, I'm not producing any slime anyway. Oh man, this sucks! I swear I didn't think I was being careless, but apparently, I was. (I had a bite of my leftover quesadilla from yesterday.) I guess this is the best way to learn. =P (unfortunately!)

Luckily, as I type this, I can feel the tightness sloooowly reducing. I still think it'll be awhile before I can eat anything, though.

Ah well.

second fill, check!

2008-09-03T12:17:00.000-07:00

This morning I had my second fill. I had definitely lost the restriction from the first fill even though it's only been two weeks. Eventually, I could eat almost anything, but I never overate by typical definitions, but I "overate" by lap band definitions. It's interesting how your ideas of "typical" or "normal" or "acceptable" change when you are banded.

I still managed to lose 2.6 pounds in the last couple weeks, so that's not bad considering I'm not actively trying to "diet." I hate "depriving" myself of food, and historically, the very second I decide to "diet" (limit my calories or carbs or whatever), I resent it. I dig in my heels and get upset asking, "why do I have to do this? Why am *I* the one who has to limit her intake in order to not gain weight??"

So, I'm trying to prevent feeling that kind of resentment again. But I'm also trying to not gain weight ever again! (Of course, this is why I chose to get banded.) So that means until I get to the sweet spot, I am eating however much I want to feel satisfied, even if it means I'm not losing two pounds a week. I'm okay with that for the most part, but the bandster in me wishes I'd lose the weight more quickly. (Well, duh, if I cared that much, I'd eat less!)

But the thing is... I've been happy the last couple weeks. And I managed to feel happy, not deprived, and still lose weight in the process. So that's all good.

I'm excited to see how this fill works out. =)

I'm also excited to start working out with some Pilates DVDs at home. I don't have a good location for exercise in the house, but my goal is to make a space. It's either going to be the lower living room (which is teeeeeny, more like an entrance way) or the guest bedroom (which has most of the limited space taken up by a queen size bed). I ordered a pilates mat that came with a DVD. Beau and I just bought (and it was delivered an hour ago!) a new HD TV, so I'm hoping to set up a cheapo DVD player with the old TV in some other place in the house so that can be my workout area. We'll see how that goes. Chrysalis is *so* good about working out in her house, she has inspired me! I need to do more than just walk and use the gym (which I haven't been using enough lately).

Last, but certainly not least, my sister has her surgery scheduled for Tuesday, September 9! I am so incredibly happy for her. I told the doc today he better take care of her (with the implied notion that I'd kick his ass if he didn't). Ha. But she also has a head cold that got into her chest, so she's on antibiotics now. If the congestion doesn't clear up in time for Tuesday, she'll have to postpone her surgery. So please keep her in your thoughts and prayers!

comments from anyone

2008-08-26T14:02:00.000-07:00

Last post from me today, I swear. =)

I finally changed the settings so anyone can leave a comment (anonymously if you like), but I still moderate them so trolls and other malicious people don't leave mean comments or links to spyware or pr0n sites. =P

So, please feel free to post! (Hi Mom!) ;)

restriction is a Good Thing (tm)

2008-08-26T13:53:00.001-07:00

Oh my word, I love restriction! And that's saying something especially since I'm not even at the "sweet spot" yet. I'm definitely eating less than I ever did before, but still more than most bandsters. Today, my group went to a birthday lunch at our usual Mexican restaurant. I got my usual tostada salad with carnitas (no flour shell for me, thank you) and ate a little less than half of it. I did eat chips and guacamole first, but overall, I ate a lot less than I would have otherwise.

I was FULL, too, when I was done. I even did okay with the head hunger at the end of it. You know, when you want to eat more just because it's tasty and it's there. I was okay with taking the rest home for dinner tonight. Although, I wonder how easy I'll deal with head hunger when I have even more restriction. But hey, I'm okay with that if it means I lose more weight, ha! I also know that once I get even more restriction I won't order the tostada salad since it'll be a waste of food. I'll probably order 1-2 soft tacos made with corn tortillas.

So, I'm excited! I have my second appointment scheduled for a week from tomorrow, so I'm even prepared for more restriction soon. Hot diggety!

In other good news, my sister found out that the way her insurance company counts down the 6 month waiting period is actually in her favor. So instead of waiting until late October for her surgery, she can have it in September! Her surgery will be either 9/9 or 9/25. I'm so excited for her! I can't wait to find out once she has the date finalized.

A note about the weight loss "ticker"

2008-08-26T13:39:00.000-07:00

I just realized I should make some notes about the weight loss "ticker" that appears on the right side of my blog:

The weight loss shown is from my highest weight ever, which I started to lose just over a year ago. It's not all from my surgery.
To calculate the weight loss from the surgery (and the one week "preop" diet I had to go on), subtract 11 pounds.
The listed goal weight on this ticker is the absolute ideal weight I would love to be. However, I think the odds of me reaching this weight are fairly slim. This weight is 10 pounds lighter than the weight I wanted to be when I was in college.

So who knows, I might make a new ticker that has a more realistic goal in it, we'll see. When it comes down to it, in my head, I have several different mini goals:

The weight I was when I first met Beau. This is definitely a realistic goal. This is 41 pounds less than today's weight.
The weight I wanted to at least get down to when I met Beau. I was trying to lose just another 20 pounds or so. It was still 15 pounds higher than my college weight. This is, essentially 61 pounds less than today's weight. I think I can probably reach this weight, but it'll definitely take some work.
The lowest weight ever at this height. This is going to take a lot of work on my part, especially with exercising. I don't know how realistic this goal is, but I'm willing to take a wait and see approach. This is 76 pounds less than today's weight.
The weight used on my ticker... my OMIGODIWOULDBEHOTIFIWERETHISWEIGHT weight. ;) I really have no idea how hard this will be. Heck, I couldn't get to this weight in college, although, I never really tried to diet in college, so it's hard to say. But as my Beau says, "if you don't reach, you don't get." So why not try to reach for it?

first fill: check!

2008-08-20T15:59:00.000-07:00

I finally met Dr. McKeen today and had my first fill. It was, essentially, uneventful. But the good kind of uneventful.

I like him, so that's good. Well, he made a good first impression, which is about all I can assess at this point. He's professional and not condescending. I gave him a copy of the surgery notes from my surgeon, Dr. K, and he was pleased with everything he read. They both follow very similar procedures and they both use the exact same band. I like knowing that, too. It just kind of confirms my thinking that I have been pretty much a textbook example so far.

(Should I knock on some wood now, just to be safe?)

I learned that he wants his patients eating more protein than I had been thinking was about right. He wants 90-100 grams of protein a day! Oh lordy. I doubt I'm going to aim for that consistently, I was thinking more like 60-80. I know I've been eating more carbs than I should have been lately, so I'll have to start changing that some, but I still think 100 grams is a bit much, even for my height.

He also said something I hadn't heard or read anywhere yet: Don't puree the food in your mouth. Yes, small bites and chew well, but basically, don't overchew! The food should be chewed well so it doesn't get stuck, but not so well that it doesn't stay in the pouch long enough to provide the full feeling. Good to know! I think I've been pureeing food in my mouth a lot of the time.

He said he put in about 3 cc's of saline, and he said he's guessing there's about 3cc's that were in there from the surgery. This confused me slightly because I thought Dr. K puts the band in unfilled. But Dr. McKeen used the phrase "at natural state," and implied that the natural state still has a teeny bit of liquid in it already. That makes sense to me, actually. I guess I don't know if I should count the "natural state" 3 cc's or not. Ah well. Ultimately, it doesn't matter, of course, but the scientist in me wants to know! ;)

The actual fill process itself was pretty uneventful. The pushing on my abdomen with his fingers is a weird sensation. Not quite tender, but not quite pain-free, either. Then he cleans the skin, and then injects a numbing agent (like novacaine). I donate blood all the time, so that needle was no big deal. After a half minute, he inserts the needle that he'll use to inject the saline.

After he put some in, he had me sit up and drink some water so I could hopefully feel how well (or not) the liquid goes down. It was kind of hard to tell, actually. Maybe if the water was colder I'd have a a more confident opinion of what was going on.

I'd take a sip and would have my little burp with it. I burp more now with the band, but not usually with just one drink of water, so that was a sign of more restriction than before. But it wasn't all that much restriction. I took another and same thing. I think I might have felt a small amount of tightness in my chest in the middle of my sternum, but it was hard to tell. He decided to take some out based on that comment.

The greedy, impatient part of me wanted to protest and say no, don't take any out! (Mom: Don't worry, I didn't say anything. And yes, I know to follow the doctor's guidelines. P.S. I love you.) But I knew I should go with his judgment. I am certainly no expert! Heck, I'm not even an expert on how my own body adapts to fills.

I'm home now and am drinking a protein shake. It's going down fine. I don't feel any restriction, but that's a good thing, really, since it's just liquid. Tomorrow I'll eat mushy food (going out to lunch with my coworker for her birthday, so I'll be ordering refried beans and cheese), and Friday and I can try eating solid food, but slowly and carefully.

Oh, another think that Dr. McKeen explained to me today that was interesting was why the first couple fills don't leave you feeling restricted for very long. With the first couple fills, the band is mostly pushing on the outer fat, not the stomach muscle. And eventually, the fat moves out of the way to get out from under the band. So you feel restricted at first, until the fat moves away. Once the band starts touching the stomach muscle, the effect of the fill lasts longer. Interesting!

Oh! And there's still a possibility that my healthcare will pay for my fills (partially, anyway)! Dr. McKeen said my healthcare provider is actually pretty good about paying for adjustments (not all, obviously, I'm guessing about 80%??). I asked even if I had the surgery as selfpay, and he seems to think my odds are good. (But are my goods odd? (cue rim shot)) So, here's hoping my fills will be partially paid. That would be nice!

I'll probably make an appointment next week for my next fill about a couple weeks after today. I'm excited to be further along on my journey!

can't wait for that first fill

2008-08-18T15:59:00.000-07:00

I can barely wait for my first fill on Wednesday. I might still be losing weight, I'm not sure, or I'm just maintaining. Heck, I'm fine with maintaining since I hear most people gain weight before their first fill. Even if I am still losing, it's pretty darn slow.

Today at lunch I ate more than I have been eating at lunch lately. It's probably closer to what I used to eat at lunch, so nothing typically outrageous. But I felt kind of guilty that I ate too much, or actually, more worried that I might have eaten an unsafe portion. But a funny thing happened... I felt full. Like, legit full and satisfied and couldn't eat another bite for a while kind of full. Not Thanksgiving day overstuff, just contentedly full, which I haven't felt in a while. It finally occurred to me that maybe that's what I'll feel when I start getting fills, but with less food. Wouldn't that be nice! I reached the kind of emotional and mental satisfaction where I didn't worry about food for several hours. Of course, it's been 4 hours since lunch and I've only had a few dried apricots since then, so I'm beginning to get a smidge hungry. But hey, that's okay.

Anyway, here's hoping!

new clothes! (sorta)

2008-08-14T14:52:00.001-07:00

I was just talking with Beau about jackets, and mentioned the brown suede one I bought at an Eddie Bauer outlet store about 5 years ago. He said he never sees me wear it. Well, yeah, that's because it was a little too small to begin with, but I bought because it was inexpensive and (wait for it... you know what's coming...) I hoped I would lose some more weight.

So in the coat closet it sits. But it just now occurred to me that I will most likely lose enough weight before winter to be able to wear it! Hot diggety!!

I tell ya, I can't wait until I lose enough weight to justify buying some new clothes. At my height, it takes 25 pounds to go down a size (and really, I started losing weight wearing clothes that were a bit snug on me), so I have another 14 pounds to go before I can comfortably go down a full size. And I know I have some clothes in that size, even a pair of jeans that should "tide me over." I even have a few shirts at two sizes ago, but not a lot. I think at two lower sizes I will probably need to start replenishing my wardrobe a little.

So, if I'm lucky, I'll be able to justify buying some new clothes in, oh, about 40 pounds. That seems like a long way off, but hopefully time will go by faster than I think. I can wait, especially if that means I'll need new clothes for winter, my favorite clothes buying season!