in a funk

I've been in kind of a funk these last few days and I'm not really sure why. I can't tell how much of it is hormonal (not PMS because it's not the right time, but perhaps something else) and how much is, well, not. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, I feel self conscious (not just about my appearance, although actually, very little about my appearance), and I have very little motivation to get stuff done.

Part of it could be work, I suppose. I have a big deadline in just over a week and I am stressed about it. Whatever gets done will be done, and whatever doesn't, too bad. But unlike most of these similar deadlines, I won't get a mini break after. I still have a lot of tasks to do and new projects to start. That's hard to do when you're not motivated. :)

I gave up wheat for Lent. Boy is that hard! All my comfort foods have wheat in them (even though I shouldn't eat it because I'm allergic to it) and all I want is comfort food. Some wheat-free alternatives cut it, but most don't to be honest. This isn't helping my mood, but I know it's helping my body.

So I've been trying to figure out why I'm feeling so out if it. Usually, if I can understand my current emotion I can deal with it so much better. I wonder if I'm missing being a mom. Maaaybe?? Tough to say. When I ponder that, it doesn't feel quite right. That is, there's no "a-ha!" moment where I realize that's it. So maybe it’s part of the reason, but I don’t think it’s all. (Aside: 1 1/2 years ago Beau and I decided to not have kids. That was a joint decision, but one of us wanted them and the other didn't. So the whole situation is just... complicated.)

Last night I had some weird dreams. It wasn't until I was on my way to work when I realized that the dream wasn't real. In part of my dream, a male coworker whom I rarely ever see anymore came up to me and asked if he could ask me a personal question. Sure. Are you pregnant?

Since it was my dream and not real life I could see the dejected look on my face. I pulled him to a more quiet corner of the room and said that no, the bump on my stomach was not a baby belly and instead was just how my body holds its fat and that I had a lot of excess skin from my weight loss. As you can imagine, I felt positively awful. The next thing I thought in my dream was, “I need to post about this to my lap band blog.” I think this mental note was the reason the whole thing felt so real.

Anyway, I don’t know where I’m going with this, but I do know I needed to write some stuff down at the very least. I wrote most of the above text on the train to work (on my iPhone no less, go me), and I’m at work now, and I have all those tasks looming before me with their scary deadlines. I have the beginning of another post about clothes shopping this weekend. I’ll get to that later.